Jokes Thread

[asthio88]

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

11. Only in America......can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House. (This was popular when Clinton was in office)

 

[asthio88]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,

"He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realising our advanced age, we worked out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream van hadn't come along."

 

[asthio88]

A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.
He stopped and asked the boy, "Where did you get that turkey?"

The boy replied, "What turkey?"

The game warden said, "That turkey you're carrying under your arm."

The boy looks down and said, "Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!"

The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you. If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?"

The little boy said, "I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go!"

 

[Yutaka Go]

Questions That Must be Answered.
1. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

The pizza shop cut corners, charge you more for less :bsmilie:

The question you should ask is why is the lens round but the picture from the camera is not ? :dunno:

 

[Shizuma]

With acknowledgements to a friend also trying to work with the European Parliament:

A farmer named Bill was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Scotland when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bill looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his iPad, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized LaserJet printer, turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bill.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car.

Then Bill says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Member of the European Parliament", says Bill.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get rewarded for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep...

Now give me back my dog.

 

[Shizuma]

HEART-WARMING GOLF STORY!This heart-warming story should put an end to the canard that golfers are not good husbands.A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack."Help me dear" she groans to her husband.He quickly calls 911 on his cell phone, and after a brief conversation, picks up his putter and lines up his stroke..His wife picks up her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying over here and you're putting?""Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "They found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.""Well, how long will it take to get here?" she asks him feebly."No time at all," says her husband, "Everybody has agreed to let him play through.

 

[UncleFai]

A man walked into a new gym and was very impressed by all the latest spanking new body toning machines.

He asked the instructor: "So which one you think will help me get all the beautiful chicks?"

The instructor pointed to the door, across the street:

"That one... the ATM."

 

[Draken413o]

guys, really thank you so much.. I love looking at this thread and reading the jokes.

 

[Shizuma]

guys, really thank you so much.. I love looking at this thread and reading the jokes.

Please contribute some too. Upz for more.

 

[Shizuma]

GOD LOVES DRUNK PEOPLE TOO

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!
God loves drunk people too.

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.

 

[Shizuma]

A married couple had been out shopping in the town centre for most of the afternoon.



Suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had "disappeared".




The somewhat irate spouse called her mate's cell phone and demanded: "Where the hell are you?"
Husband: "Darling, you remember that Jewellery shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally
fell in love with it and I didn't have money at the time but I said, 'Baby, it'll be yours one day'?"




Wife, with a huge smile, blushing: "Yes I remember that, my dearest love."

Husband: "Well, I'm in the Pub next to that shop."

 

[kei1309]

The question you should ask is why is the lens round but the picture from the camera is not ? :dunno:

because if the picture was round, Al Corley wouldn't have a song to sing :bsmilie:

[video=youtube;OsRdEjnlAb8]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OsRdEjnlAb8[/video]

 

[Zoomster]

The company I work for sometimes puts on what they call "Lunch and Learn" seminars during the employees' lunchtime, dealing with a variety of physical and mental health issues. If the seminar lasts beyond the normal lunch hour, we're supposed to get managerial approval to attend.

So, last week, this flyer came around:

LUNCH AND LEARN SEMINAR: WHO'S CONTROLLING YOUR LIFE?
(Please get your manager's permission before attending)

 

[Zoomster]

Exercise

I joined a health club last year, spent about $400. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

If you are going to try cross country skiing, start with a small country.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I am doing.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you, at age 85, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5,000 per month.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

 

[Zoomster]

The Facts About the . . . Uhhh . . . Fairer Sex ​

Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you "just don't understand."


Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.



Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man wants to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.



Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an "on/off" switch.



The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.



If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, "What did you do?"

 

[Zoomster]

More…on that Fairer Sex
Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.

Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'

Only women understand the reason for 'guest towels' and the 'good china'.

Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Rob Schneider (Deuce Bigalow), do you?

'Oh, nothing,' has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language

 

[Zoomster]

Some Riddles

1) George, Helen, and Steve are drinking coffee. Bert, Karen, and Dave are drinking tea.
Using logic, is Elizabeth drinking coffee or tea?


2) This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it? It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it! In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out! Try to do so without any coaching!

 

[Zoomster]

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speed up heart not make live longer; that like say you can extend life of car by driving faster. Want live longer? Take nap.


Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. What are these? Vegetables. So, steak nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give 100% recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.


Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take water out of fruity bit; get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made out of grain.. Bottoms up!


Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: If you have body and you have fat, ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, ratio is two to one, etc.


Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Cannot think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No Pain...Good!


Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetables be bad for you?


Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only do sit-ups if want bigger stomach.


Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: You crazy? HELLO. Cocoa beans! Vegetable!!! Cocoa beans best feel-good food around!


Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming good for figure, explain whales to me.


Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!


Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

AND..... For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies:
1. The Japanese eat very little fat And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

 

[Zoomster]

With all the recent problems about lawyers running off with client's money, or misrepresentation, it always pays to know which law firms to avoid...at all costs...if you don't want to lose all your life savings

Top 10 Law Firms to Avoid

1. Pompas, Sacov, Lye & Chitt
2. Skruda, Witt, Ness
3. Noe, Scroopells & Prowdhovit
4. Wynn, Nunnov, Arcases
5. Wannasee, Kownsell & Chambers
6. Ambhlens, Chay, Sinng
7. Lye, Eng, Sun, Hoffa, Beech
8. Konn, Temph, Hoff, Cort
9. Breech, Hoffkorn, Trach
10. Phail, Dabar, Hexum

 

[Big Kahuna]

“I mean, come on. Seventy-five pages? Seventy-five pages? You want me to do an order on 75 pages? Unless you’re smoking crack, you know these witnesses aren’t going to be called.“


Judge Lucy Koh
​