Jokes Thread

[UncleFai]

A man was leaving a cafe when he noticed an unusual funeral.

A funeral coffin was followed by a second one. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog.

Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line.


The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He approached the man walking with the dog, 'I am so sorry to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?'

The man replied, 'that first coffin is for my wife.'

' What happened to her?'

'My dog attacked and killed her.'

Well, who is in the second coffin? '

'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also.'

A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.

Then the first one asks in excitement,
'Can I borrow the dog?'

The man replied, 'Join the queue.'

 

[UncleFai]

Dear Wife,

I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever.

I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ...

Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice

I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.

You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.

You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife.

Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!


=================================================================================


Dear Ex-Husband

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been.

I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn’t work.

I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment.

And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone..

Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.

My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed,

Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem

 

[Prismatic]

Some Riddles

1) George, Helen, and Steve are drinking coffee. Bert, Karen, and Dave are drinking tea.
Using logic, is Elizabeth drinking coffee or tea?

2) This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it? It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it! In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out! Try to do so without any coaching!

1) She's drinking coffee.

2) There's no 'e' in the paragraph.

 

[UncleFai]

And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.

Then He made the Earth round... and He laughed and laughed and laughed...

 

[UncleFai]

Photographers are violent people. Why?

First, they frame you.

Then they shoot you.

And finally, they hang you on the wall.

 

[Shizuma]

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua. As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got the dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.

The doorman said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand, this is my guide dog."

The doorman said, "A Doberman?"

The woman said, "Yes, they've started using them now. They're very good."

The doorman said, "OK, come on in then."

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a guide dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the doorman said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my guide dog"

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a #*$&*(#&$ Chihuahua?!"

 

[Zoomster]

1) She's drinking coffee.

2) There's no 'e' in the paragraph.

You got the both right.

George, Helen and Steve have two "e" in their name = coffee has two "e". Elizabeth has two "e" thus she drinks coffee. Bert, Karen and Dave are drinking tea cos they have one "e" in their name.

 

[Shizuma]

Ed & Nancy

Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.

When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.
Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.
On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf; I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"
Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker." Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.

 

[asthio88]

Two morons are riding around looking for a place to have a picnic.

One moron says, "Hey, lets have a picnic over there under that tree."

The other moron says," No, no, lets have it in the middle of the road."

They fought and came to a decision to have it in the middle of the road. Not long afterwards a car came speeding towards them, swerved off the road and ran into the tree.

One moron says, “See if we were over there we would be dead right now."

 

[asthio88]

The female dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot of Novocain.

"No way! No needles. I hate needles" the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects. "I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on, suffocates me!"

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. "No objection," the patient says. "'I'm fine with pills."

The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra."

The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth!"

 

[kei1309]

 

[asthio88]

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George W. Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let the President know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.

With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

 

[asthio88]

A couple had been married for 25 years and was celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day.

During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each.

The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her hand, and Boom!!! She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband’s turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, “Well, I’d like to have a woman 30 years younger than me.”

The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom!!! He was ninety.

 

[asthio88]

An old man and his young wife were getting divorce at a local court. But the custody of children posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The old man also wanted the custody of his children. The judge asked for his side of the story too. After a long moment of silence, the old man slowly rose from his chair and replied:

“Judge, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or the machine?”

 

[asthio88]

A well dressed lady stood waiting for the bus on a warm clear afternoon in Chicago. When the bus stopped, she became aware that her skirt was too tight for her to raise her leg enough to step onto the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that it would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, for the 2nd time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raised her leg.

With another little smile to the driver, she again reached behind a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be samaritan and yelled, 'How dare you touch my body, I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well Ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends'.

 

[oceanpriest]

The phone rings and Mrs. Smith answers: "Hello?"

"Hello, Mrs. Smith, this is Dr. Brown, St. Martin hospital. Yesterday we tested your husband's blood sample... but we have a problem... we also received a blood sample from another Mr. Smith, and we don't know which is the right one. And I am sad to say that both tests deliver bad news."

"What do you mean?". Mrs. Smith starts to get nervous...

"Well, one sample proves that the patient has Alzheimer, the other one shows that the patient has AIDS. But we can't say which is your husband's sample."

"So, why don't you simply repeat the test with new blood samples?"

"We could, but, you know, the insurance does not pay for a second test, and our accountants told us we can't bear the expenses either."

"For God's sake! What can we do?"

"Our chief physician asks you to go downtown with your husband and abandon him there."

"And then?"

"Just in case he manages to return home you better don't sleep with him..."

 

[oceanpriest]

A man was walking down the street, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man, who asked him for a couple of pounds for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted two pounds and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you buy beer with it instead?"

"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the homeless man said.

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend the money on football instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you BLOODY NUTS?" replied the homeless man. "I haven't watched football in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you two pounds. I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I'm very dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."

The man replied, "That's okay, mate! I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling and football."

 

[Shizuma]

two street photographers where travelling through a seedy part of town when they were accosted by a beggar . the first managed to evade but the second , because of the crowd , was left behind .

later while they were catching up, the first asked the second what he gave the beggar .

the latter proudly replied " f 8 at 1/125 of course ! "

 

[yqt]

A CSer wrote the following to the Admin of CS:

CSer:
Dear Admin
How do I change my nick in CS?
Thanks

CS Admin:
Why do you want to chnage your Nick?
Regards

CSer:
I intro a newbie to CS and now he's always on CS.
Regards

CS Admin:
That's a good thing, I don't see why you want to change your nick because of that .
Regards

CSer:
It's not a good thing as he's my boss and now he PM me to get offline when I'm surfing CS during office hours.
Please help.
Thanks.

 

[fotoudavid]

A CSer wrote the following to the Admin of CS:

CSer:
Dear Admin
How do I change my nick in CS?
Thanks

CS Admin:
Why do you want to chnage your Nick?
Regards

CSer:
I intro a newbie to CS and now he's always on CS.
Regards

CS Admin:
That's a good thing, I don't see why you want to change your nick because of that .
Regards

CSer:
It's not a good thing as he's my boss and now he PM me to get offline when I'm surfing CS during office hours.
Please help.
Thanks.

wow so free lets do a shoot in studio