Jokes Thread
- Thread starter Shizuma
- Start date
The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged French woman and the seat was being used by her dog.
The weary traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that seat."
The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said, "You Americans, you are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little FiFi is using that seat?"
The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there?". I'm very tired.
The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted
"You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant....!"
The American didn't say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honor and chastise the American.
An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly
"You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
The weary traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that seat."
The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said, "You Americans, you are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little FiFi is using that seat?"
The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there?". I'm very tired.
The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted
"You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant....!"
The American didn't say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honor and chastise the American.
An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly
"You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your dang beak to the bar you irritating dang duck!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No"
Duck says: "Got any bread?
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your dang beak to the bar you irritating dang duck!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No"
Duck says: "Got any bread?
One of the main reasons why in recent years the Singapore Government has always ensured that their Miss Universe representative were of tertiary level education or higher was because of the following incident which occurred not too many years ago. It is the final round of the Miss Universe Pageant and the 3 finalists, Miss USA, Miss Malaysia and Miss Singapore are being asked 3 simple questions:
MC: The first question is name me an electrical appliance starting with "L"
Miss USA: Lamp
Miss Malaysia: Light bulb
Miss Singapore: LADIO
Judge: No, no, Radio does not start with the letter "L"
MC: I am going to give you 2 more chances; The next question is name me an animal starting with the letter "L"
Miss USA: Lion
Miss Malaysia: Leopard
Miss Singapore: LABBIT
Judge: No, no, no, Rabbit does not start with the letter "L"
MC: I am going to give you one last chance, if you answer this question
incorrectly, you are disqualified.
Name me a fruit starting with the letter "L"
Miss USA: Lemon
Miss Malaysia: Lychee
Miss Singapore, with full of confidence, smiles and says: LIEWLIAN !
This is not the end of the story, the Judge consulted the board of judges to determine if Miss Singapore should really disqualified; and they decided that since Miss Singapore was having as many problems with the letter "L", the decided to give her another chance.
Judge: OK, the final question is name me a human anatomy starting with the letter "L"
Miss USA: Lung (applause)
Miss Malaysia: Liver (even more applause)
Miss Singapore, smiled confidently and exclaimed: I tell you, this question I can never go wrong one….
"LAN J!AO"!!!!
Judge: Excuse me??!! I have no clue what's that, I am afraid I will have to disqualify you.
Miss Singapore: Kelong lah, letter L is so difficult!
Judge: Well, if you say so. You do seem to have problem with L. To be fair, I will give you one final chance. Same question, name a human anatomy but starting with the letter K instead.
Miss Singapore: KAH CHNG!!!
MC: The first question is name me an electrical appliance starting with "L"
Miss USA: Lamp
Miss Malaysia: Light bulb
Miss Singapore: LADIO
Judge: No, no, Radio does not start with the letter "L"
MC: I am going to give you 2 more chances; The next question is name me an animal starting with the letter "L"
Miss USA: Lion
Miss Malaysia: Leopard
Miss Singapore: LABBIT
Judge: No, no, no, Rabbit does not start with the letter "L"
MC: I am going to give you one last chance, if you answer this question
incorrectly, you are disqualified.
Name me a fruit starting with the letter "L"
Miss USA: Lemon
Miss Malaysia: Lychee
Miss Singapore, with full of confidence, smiles and says: LIEWLIAN !
This is not the end of the story, the Judge consulted the board of judges to determine if Miss Singapore should really disqualified; and they decided that since Miss Singapore was having as many problems with the letter "L", the decided to give her another chance.
Judge: OK, the final question is name me a human anatomy starting with the letter "L"
Miss USA: Lung (applause)
Miss Malaysia: Liver (even more applause)
Miss Singapore, smiled confidently and exclaimed: I tell you, this question I can never go wrong one….
"LAN J!AO"!!!!
Judge: Excuse me??!! I have no clue what's that, I am afraid I will have to disqualify you.
Miss Singapore: Kelong lah, letter L is so difficult!
Judge: Well, if you say so. You do seem to have problem with L. To be fair, I will give you one final chance. Same question, name a human anatomy but starting with the letter K instead.
Miss Singapore: KAH CHNG!!!
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At the regular Sabbath morning service, the rabbi announced that he is planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave, because he is so popular.
Fred Shapiro, who owns several car dealerships in Sandton and Bryanston stands up and proclaims "If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every year, and his wife with a Honda CRV, to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, "If the rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee a free university education for his children!"
More sighs and loud applause.
Estelle Rubin, age 68, stands and announces with a smile, "If the rabbi stays, I will give him sex!"
There is total silence.
The rabbi, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Rubin, you're a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?"
Estelle's 70-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replied, "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said: " **** him"
There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave, because he is so popular.
Fred Shapiro, who owns several car dealerships in Sandton and Bryanston stands up and proclaims "If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every year, and his wife with a Honda CRV, to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, "If the rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee a free university education for his children!"
More sighs and loud applause.
Estelle Rubin, age 68, stands and announces with a smile, "If the rabbi stays, I will give him sex!"
There is total silence.
The rabbi, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Rubin, you're a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?"
Estelle's 70-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replied, "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said: " **** him"
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in to the Olympics, but they haven't got tickets.
The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate. " McTavish , Scotland " he says, "Discus" and in he walks.
The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder.. " Waddington-Smythe , England " he says, "Pole vault" and in he walks.
The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm. "O'Malley, Ireland " he says, "Fencing".
The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate. " McTavish , Scotland " he says, "Discus" and in he walks.
The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder.. " Waddington-Smythe , England " he says, "Pole vault" and in he walks.
The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm. "O'Malley, Ireland " he says, "Fencing".
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "It's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "It's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you!!"
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you!!"
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photography jokes.
one day, you were in the forest, having just shot an awesome landscape shot just minutes ago. you reach the edge of a lake. there is a family of four in a boat, including an infant. the boat is leaking and listing badly.
there is only enough time to either save the family using the spare safety boat, or to swap lens and take a photo.
the question is, which lens do you use?
one day, you were in the forest, having just shot an awesome landscape shot just minutes ago. you reach the edge of a lake. there is a family of four in a boat, including an infant. the boat is leaking and listing badly.
there is only enough time to either save the family using the spare safety boat, or to swap lens and take a photo.
the question is, which lens do you use?
Obituary.
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
- Knowing when to come in out of the rain
- Why the early bird gets the worm
- Life isn't always fair
- And maybe it was my fault
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, launched a lawsuit and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by:
- his parents, Truth and Trust
- his wife, Discretion
- his daughter, Responsibility
- and his son, Reason
He is survived by his 5 stepbrothers:
- I Know My Rights
- I Want It Now
- Someone Else Is To Blame
- I'm A Victim
- Pay me for Doing Nothing
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
- Knowing when to come in out of the rain
- Why the early bird gets the worm
- Life isn't always fair
- And maybe it was my fault
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, launched a lawsuit and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by:
- his parents, Truth and Trust
- his wife, Discretion
- his daughter, Responsibility
- and his son, Reason
He is survived by his 5 stepbrothers:
- I Know My Rights
- I Want It Now
- Someone Else Is To Blame
- I'm A Victim
- Pay me for Doing Nothing
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
The Horse Challenge.
A travelling salesman stopped into a small town tavern to eat a quick lunch and get a beer. During his lunch, he saw a big 5 gallons water bottle almost full of 5$ bills. Curious, he ask the waitress about the jar, and she told him its for a challenge. They have a old horse behind the building, and the challenge is to make him laugh, after putting a 5$ bill in the jar, the winner get all the money... The man decided to give a try, put his 5$ in the jar then went in the backward. 3 minutes after, they all ear the horse laughing noisily, rolling on the floor. So the men came inside and the waitress gave him the bottle content, 735$ and he went away.
A few years later, he got back to this town and decided to go to the tavern again, curious to see if the challenge is still there. Yes, the bottle is still there, but instead of 5$, its now full of 20$. He ask the waitress if it,s the same challenge. She answer than its almost the same, but now they have to make the horse cry instead of laugh. Confident, he put his 20$ in the jar and went backward. 5 minutes later, he came back inside, and everyone ear the horse crying so much, hitting his head on the walls by so much sadness... The waitress give him the money, but she ask him how he make him laugh and cry, as all failed before him.
Easy, first time I told him a had bigger penis than him. The second time I prove him!
A travelling salesman stopped into a small town tavern to eat a quick lunch and get a beer. During his lunch, he saw a big 5 gallons water bottle almost full of 5$ bills. Curious, he ask the waitress about the jar, and she told him its for a challenge. They have a old horse behind the building, and the challenge is to make him laugh, after putting a 5$ bill in the jar, the winner get all the money... The man decided to give a try, put his 5$ in the jar then went in the backward. 3 minutes after, they all ear the horse laughing noisily, rolling on the floor. So the men came inside and the waitress gave him the bottle content, 735$ and he went away.
A few years later, he got back to this town and decided to go to the tavern again, curious to see if the challenge is still there. Yes, the bottle is still there, but instead of 5$, its now full of 20$. He ask the waitress if it,s the same challenge. She answer than its almost the same, but now they have to make the horse cry instead of laugh. Confident, he put his 20$ in the jar and went backward. 5 minutes later, he came back inside, and everyone ear the horse crying so much, hitting his head on the walls by so much sadness... The waitress give him the money, but she ask him how he make him laugh and cry, as all failed before him.
Easy, first time I told him a had bigger penis than him. The second time I prove him!
Definitions.
School:
A place where Parents pay and children play
Life Insurance:
A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die rich.
Nurse:
A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.
Marriage:
It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.
Tears:
The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower.
Conference:
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Father:
A banker provided by nature
Criminal:
A person no different from the rest
....except that he/she got caught
Boss:
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early
Politician:
One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence thereafter
Doctor:
A person who holds your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.
Smile:
A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office:
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Experience:
The name men give to their mistakes.
School:
A place where Parents pay and children play
Life Insurance:
A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die rich.
Nurse:
A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.
Marriage:
It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.
Tears:
The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower.
Conference:
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Father:
A banker provided by nature
Criminal:
A person no different from the rest
....except that he/she got caught
Boss:
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early
Politician:
One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence thereafter
Doctor:
A person who holds your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.
Smile:
A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office:
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Experience:
The name men give to their mistakes.
Questions That Must be Answered.
1. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
2. What disease did cured ham actually have?
3. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
4. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
5. Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
6. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
1. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
2. What disease did cured ham actually have?
3. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
4. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
5. Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
6. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
I fed your questions into the computer I have aboard starship Enterprise. here are the answers.
A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands money. Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."
The robber then shot him and killed him instantly. He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did!"
.
.
.
Moral of the story - When opportunity knocks... MAKE THE MOST OF IT
The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."
The robber then shot him and killed him instantly. He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did!"
.
.
.
Moral of the story - When opportunity knocks... MAKE THE MOST OF IT
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