Jokes Thread

[asthio88]

The day care teacher holds up a picture and asks, "What's this?"

"A horsey," one child answers.

"And this?" the teacher asks.

"A piggy," replies another youngster.

"And now this one?" asks the teacher, holding up a picture of a male deer with a beautiful rack of antlers.

There was no answer, only total silence.

"Come now, children," she coaxes, "I'll give you a little hint. What does your Mommy call your Daddy when he hugs and kisses her a lot?"

"I know! I know!!" exclaims one little girl. "It's a horny b*stard!"

 

[asthio88]

Bill and Bob, two children, were sitting outside a clinic. Bill happened to be crying very loudly.

"Why are you crying?" Bob asked.

"I came here for a blood test," sobbed Bill.

"So? Are you afraid?"

"A little. For the blood test, they cut my finger."

As Bob heard this, he immediately began crying profusely.

Astonished, Bill stopped his tears and asked Bob, "Why are you crying now?"

To which Bob replied, "I came for a urine test!"

 

[asthio88]

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"

"Yes," replies the little girl.

"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.

The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"

The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"

"Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!"

 

[asthio88]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"

 

[asthio88]

A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid. "This", he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste."

After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth.

After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth."

 

[asthio88]

One day a little boy woke up and sat down at the table expecting breakfast. However, his mother says, "You don't get any breakfast until you do your chores."

A little pissed off, the boy goes out to do his chores. When he goes to milk the cow, he kicks it. When he goes to get eggs he kicks a chicken, and when he goes to feed the pigs, he kicks a pig.

When the little boy sits down his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "Where is the bacon, eggs and milk?" asks the little boy. His mother replies, "I saw you kick the cow, so you don't get any milk; I saw you kick a chicken so you don't get eggs; and I saw you kick a pig so you don't get any bacon!"

Just as she finishes saying this, the boy's father comes down the stairs and kicks the cat. The little boy giggles and looks up at his mother and asks, "Do you want to tell him, or should I?"

 

[asthio88]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

 

[Deyeno]

Little Johnny's Good Time

Little Johnny heard the word "whorehouse" during recess and later asked his father what it meant.
Dad was shocked. "Well, uh, John, that's a place where men go to, uh, to have a good time."
Johnny replied, "I wanna go there. I wanna go there!"
Dad insisted that Johnny was too young.

On Saturday night, when Johnny's dad and some of his friends headed to Mable's for "a good time," Little Johnny secretly followed them.
Once Dad and his buddies had been inside a while, Little Johnny knocked on Mable's front door. She opened the door and was surprised to see an eight-year-old standing there.
"Yes?" she asked.
"I'm here for a good time!" said Little Johnny.
Since Mabel had a heart of gold, she invited him inside, gave him three donuts, and then sent him on his way home.

Johnny took his time going home and arrived well after his dad.
"Johnny, where have you been? It's late!" demanded his father.
"I went to Mabel's whorehouse, Daddy!"
Dad went pale.
"You did? Umm, how was it?"
Johnny said, "Well, I managed the first two with no problem, but I just licked the third one!"

 

[digitalpimp]

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms so they have to share a bed.

In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!".

The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too!

Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny... I dreamt I was skiing!".

 

[digitalpimp]

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!".

So the goblin replies, "Uhhh... Okay, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?".

The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in!".

Goblins replies, "Okay, you've got it.".

Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes Benz!".

"Okay, you've got that, too.", says the goblin.

"My last wish is a million dollars!".

The goblin then says, "Okay, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex with me all night."

"Okay then, if that's what it takes...", says the woman.

The next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me", says the man, "how old are you?".

"I'm 27.", she replies.

"My God", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins?!?".

 

[asthio88]

Once upon a time, there were these twin brothers named John and Bill Jones. John was happily married to a beautiful woman and Bill was the proud owner of a dilapidated rowboat.

One day, John’s wife died, and on that same day, Bill’s boat sank. A couple of days later, an old lady walked up to Bill thinking he was John and said, "Mr. Jones, I am so sorry for your loss. You must be really sad."

To this Bill replied, "I'm not the least bit sorry. She was a rotten thing right from the start. She had a crack in the back, a pretty big hole in the front, and she smelled of dead fish.

I got so I could handle her okay, but if I let anyone else use her, she would leak like anything. The hole in front kept getting bigger and bigger, and she would take on water pretty quick.

But this is what finished her. Four guys from out of town were looking for a good time, and asked me if I would rent her out to them. I told them what she was like, but they didn't care. The problem was, they all tried to get into her at once, and that caused her to split right up the middle."

The old lady fainted on the spot. Any wonder!

 

[asthio88]

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"

"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

 

[asthio88]

One evening this drunk walks into a bar, sits down, and happens to notice a 12" tall man standing on the bar. Astonished, the man asks the guy next to him; "What the hell is that?"

The guy next to him replies "He's a pianist!", to which the drunk replied "Horse sh*t, you're pulling my leg!" So the guy next to him picks up the 12" man, grabs some books, and props the little man up to the piano. Sure enough, this little man started hammering out all the favorite tunes of the bars' patrons.

Stunned, the drunk asks "That little guy is cool, where the hell did you get him?" The fella told the drunk how he had found a genie bottle out in the alley, rubbed it til a genie appeared, and was granted one wish.

All of a sudden the drunk hauls ass out the back door, finds the bottle, and starts rubbing it - when all of a sudden a genie pops out and grants him one wish. In a slur, the drunk asks "I wish for a million bucks". All of a sudden, the sky turns black and overhead a million ducks come flying overhead shitting all over him. Angrily, the drunk runs back inside, slams the door and begins cursing;

"You son of a bitch, I found that genie bottle and wished for a million bucks and all of a sudden there are a million ducks shitting all over my new suit."

The fella started laughing and wildly exclaimed; "You don't really think I wished for a 12" pianist do you?"

 

[Shizuma]

A banker was sitting in a bar in New York when he saw an immaculately dressed photo-journalist (5D mk3 and all) downing bottles of vodka at the balcony then falling over the railing. He was horrified and rushed over to the edge where he watched, amazed, as the photo-journalist floated right back up. The banker hauled the nonchalant photo-journalist back in and and asked "what happened?"

The photo-journalist replied, "The draft here is just right because of the surrounding buildings, it is strong enough to lift a man back up and let him float back up to this balcony. Watch, I'll do it again!"

Before the banker could stop him, the photojournalist leaned over the balcony (5D Mk 3 and all) , fell over, and floated back up. "See?"

The banker was amazed and marveled. The photo-journalist said "Hey, want to give it a try? I'll give you a boost over the railing". Gingerly, the banker stepped on the photo-journalist's knee and leaned over the railing, keeping his arms wide like he saw the photo-journalist do earlier. He fell...and fell...and fell... and flapped his arms wildly. *Splat*

The bar-tender turns to the photo-journalist and says "Superman, you sure are a mean jerk when you're drunk!"

(note: next day headlines: "Banker plummets to death after fatal fall" - exclusive pictures from Clark Kent << 6 fps sure came in handy)

 

[Bukitimah]

I like this thread. TGF

A rich American tourist was holidaying in Rome, and was intent on seeing the Pope. There he stood, in a big long line with a rather expensive suit on, hoping the Pope would notice how smart he was and perhaps talk a few words with him.

As the Pope made his way slowly down the line, he walked right past the American, hardly even noticing him.

The Pope then stopped next to a low-life sot, leaned over and whispered something in the sot's ear, and made his way on again.

This really angered the American. After speaking with the drunkard, the American agreed to pay $1000 dollars to exchange clothing, in the hope that the Pope would speak to him the next day.

The next morning the American stood in the line, waiting to see the Pope and hopefully exchange a few words. The Pope was making his way slowly up to the American. When he finally reached him, he leaned over to the American and spoke softly into his ear..

"I thought I told you yesterday to get the f**k out of here."

 

[sunnyday]

Up for more jokes

 

[digitalpimp]

A beautiful woman one day walks into a doctor's office. The doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window.

He tells her to take off her pants. She does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?", asks the doctor.

"Yes, checking for abnormalities.", she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra. She takes them off.

The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?".

She replies, "Yes, checking for cancer.".

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her.

He asks her again, "Do you know what I am doing now?".

She replies, "Yes, getting herpes--that's why I am here...".

 

[asthio88]

A highly timid little man, Casper Milquetoast, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."

"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What kind of dog do you have?"

"Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy."

"Bull!" roared the biker, "how could your puppy kill my Doberman?"

"It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."

 

[asthio88]

Husband and wife are busy setting up a password for their new computer.

The husband types in password as "mypenis", his wife falls down to the ground laughing, because the computer said,

"Error: password not long enough"!

 

[asthio88]

It was laying limp in my hand. It was very long, kind of thin.
I slid it between my fingers until I got to the end of it.
I was turning it on.
It became firm in my hands, and the end was wet.
Then it got very hard and began gushing out of the tip.









Then I took the garden hose and watered the bushes.