Jokes Thread

[Shizuma]

reposted from elsewhere. i am not the person below. (because I am a furry cat)

The Marriage Test

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married..

There was only one little thing bothering me ... It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo... and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law to be hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

 

[kei1309]

reposted from elsewhere. i am not the person below. (because I am a furry cat)

The Marriage Test

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married..

There was only one little thing bothering me ... It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo... and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law to be hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

So many reposts of this one :bsmilie:

 

[oceanpriest]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

 

[lightyear2011]

A man and woman in courtship:
A man talks, the lady listens.

When they are together already:
The lady talks, the man listens.

When they are married:
They both talk sometimes in very loud manner.
The neighbours listen.

 

[lightyear2011]

In a house, a wife asks his husband “hey fix the light in the living room, I think we have a faulty bulb”. The husband replied, “hell no, do I look like an electrician?”

The wife looked frustrated and then said, “ok fine, just take a look at the faucet then, it’s leaking.” The husband quipped “hello? do I look like a plumber?”

After the day had passed and the husband went home, he noticed that the light & faucet are not faulty anymore, he asked the wife who fixed them.

“I asked Paul, our neighbour, to fix these things for us. And Paul made me choose either to have sex with him or bake him some cookies in return” the wife replied.

The husband said “so you baked him some cookies ?”

“Hello? Do I look like a baker to you?” the wife quipped.

 

[asthio88]

There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hens eggs for breakfast. One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman’s garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg.

The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said; "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions - I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, whomever gets up quicker wins the egg.”

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked as hard as he could right between his legs.

The Englishman fell to the floor clutching himself and howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, “Now its my turn to kick you.”

The Scotsman said, “Keep the damn egg.”

 

[asthio88]

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher.. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher.

"See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land.. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.

The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

"YOUR BADGE!!!! Show him your badge!!"

 

[Foxshade]

Can post political joke?
;p

 

[hanzohattori]

Can post political joke?
;p

Romney just said that China's FX policy is unfair ;p

 

[catchlights]

Can post political joke?
;p

first part is not ok, second part is fine.

 

[Foxshade]

A preacher, an accountant, and a lawyer stood in front of the pearly gate.
The angel guarding the gate was testing them before they were allowed into heaven.

To the preacher, the angel asked: What is the name of the ship which sank in 1912, and the incident became a major movie?
Luckily the preacher remembered that many of his church member talked about the movie for sometime. So he answered: Titanic!!
So the preacher was allowed to enter.

To the accountant, the angel asked: How many people perished when Titanic sank?
Luckily, being an accountant, any numbers he ever gone through in his life will stick in his head. So he answered: 1,514 people died in the disaster.
So the accountant was allowed to enter.

Smiling, the angel turn to the lawyer and asked: What are their names?

 

[Shizuma]

How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

It's not hard...

 

[Foxshade]

A woman woke up in the middle of the night to find her husband sitting on the bed, and appeared in deep thought, tearfully looking out the bedroom window.
Startled, the woman gently hug her husband and said: A penny for your thought.

Composing himself, the husband replied, "Do you remember the very first time we had sex in your room back in your parents' house?"

"Of course, how can I forget such a beautiful event?" the wife said.

"... and how your dad found out, kicked the door open with a shotgun in his hand and threatened me that he will accuse me of raping you, and go to jail or to marry you?" continued the husband.

"I remember every single detail, dear." the wife answered lovingly.

With a long sigh and tears rolling down his cheek, the husband said: If I were to choose the other option, I would be free today....

 

[NadiaT]

I sure hope this is a joke!



It appeared on stomp too!
STOMP - Singapore Seen - There's only half of this car parked at the S'pore Expo -- and it's for PR stunt

Quite creative and funny. I thought it was an art piece actually.

 

[Deyeno]

Curtains

A woman goes into a department store and tells the salesman she wants a pair of pink curtains.
He assures her they have a good selection of pink curtains in many different fabrics and proceeds to show them to her.
She finally picks out a pink floral pattern.
The salesman asks, "What size do you need?"
"Fifteen inches," she responds.
"FIFTEEN INCHES!" he exclaims. "What room are they for?"
"They are not for a room, they are for my computer monitor," she tells him.
The surprised salesman exclaims, "Miss, computers do not need curtains."

To which she replies, "HELLooooooo.........I've got Windows!"

 

[asthio88]

Three absent minded writers were busy discussing a writing project on the platform, while waiting for the train. The announcement was made, and the train finally arrived. There was complete panic among eagerly waiting passengers as the train made its way to the platform. Passengers rushed inside the train, and the train left. However, one of the writers was not able to catch the train in the confusion.

A passerby who saw all this came up to the writer and told him not to worry and catch the next available train. The writer replied, “I am not worried for myself, but the real problem is that I was the one who was suppose to catch the train, and the two of them who went on the train, actually came to see me off”.

 

[asthio88]

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it.

“Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.”

The gas pumps of course, didn’t respond. The alien repeated the greeting. Again there was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pumps haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, “Greetings earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I’ll fire!”

The other alien shouted to his comrade, “No, you don’t want to make him mad!” But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.

There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap rather abruptly. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, “What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?”

The other alien answered, “If there’s one thing I’ve learned during my travels through the galaxy, when a guy has a
'member' he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, you don’t mess with him.”

 

[asthio88]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

 

[asthio88]

Bravery is arriving home late after a boozy night out with your mates, being confronted by your wife with a broom, and say:

Haven't you finished cleaning yet, or are you flying off somewhere?

 

[asthio88]

I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. And I never figured out why men think with their head and women think with their heart. And I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil when it hears the words "I do."

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it. I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT???"

So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dread. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?" I finally realize that nothing was going to happen that night, so I went to sleep.

The very next day, we went shopping at a big, unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on three different, very expensive outfits. She could not decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200.00 a pair to which I say OK. And then we go to the jewelry department where she gets a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you. She was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she does not even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.

She was almost sexually excited from all of this, and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go to the cash register."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey, I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." You should have seen her face. It went completely blank.

I then said, "Really, honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man." I figure that I won't be having sex again until some time after the spring of 2020.