gonna revive this thread...got some more quality jokes to share! Hahahha
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A KINDERGARTEN pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child
innocently.
"You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it
didn't move."
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A WOMAN apparently loves growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll, she met the chap next door, who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red
tomatoes.
She asked the chap, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so
red?"
He responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
Well, she was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato crop to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.
One day the chap was passing by and asked her, "By the way, how did you make out? ... Did your tomatoes turn red?"
"No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous!"
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A GUY goes into a chemist and asks if they sell deodorant.
"Certainly sir," says the assistant. "Ball or aerosol?"
"Well its for under my arms actually!" he replies.
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A MILD-MANNERED man was tired of being bossed around by his wife; so he went to a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem and gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read from cover to cover on the way home.
The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law!
"I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward.
"Then, after dinner, you're going to run me a bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"The bloody funeral director," said his wife.
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A STRANGER was seated next to Little Tommy on the plane. The stranger turned to the boy and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Tommy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Tommy. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Tommy, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know s**t?"