Just for laughs

[+evenstar]

Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent the spread of disease. And you know I haven't had a cold all winter

 

[cerebrus]

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing.

Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing now?" asks the bewildered Marie.

"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!" She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude, and things really steam up.

Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me much lower!" Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine.


Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE F#@K DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?"

Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly, "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"

Man.... the last time I heard this one, was about 5 years ago! :bsmilie:

 

[+evenstar]

Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies

-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it''''s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

 

[+evenstar]

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Chinese had to
leave Italy. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Chinese community.
So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of
the Chinese community. If the Chinese win, they could stay. If the Pope
wins, the Chinese would leave. The Chinese realized that they had no other
choice. So they picked a middle-aged man named Ah Peh to represent them. Ah
Peh asked for one condition to be added to the debate.

"To make it more interesting", he said, "neither side would be allowed to
talk". The Pope agreed. The day of the great debate came. Ah Peh and the
Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute. Then the Pope raised his
hand and showed three fingers. Ah Peh looked back at him and raised one
finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Ah Peh
pointed to the ground at where he sat. The Pope pulled out a loaf and a
glass of wine. Ah Peh pull out an apple.

The Pope stood up and said: "I give up. This man is too good. The Chinese
can stay." An hour later, the cardinals were all around The Pope asking him
what happened?. The Pope said, "first I held up three fingers to represent
the holy trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that
there was still one God common to both our religions." "Then I waved my
finger around me to show him that God was all around us." He responded by
pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us."
"I pulled out the wine and loaf to show that God absolves all sin. He
showed me an apple to remind us of the original sin. He had an answer for
everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Chinese community had crowded around Ah Peh. "What
happened?" they asked. "Well," said Ah Peh, "First he indicated to me that
all Chinese had 3 days to get out of here. I replied to him f*** off and
not one of us was leaving." "Then he pointed that this whole city would be
cleared of Chinese. I showed him that we are staying right here." "Yes, and
then???" asked the crowd. "I don't know", said Ah Peh, "He took out his
lunch, and I took out mine!!!"