Jokes Thread

[shierwin]

SMART Investment?

The lawyer says to the wealthy art collector tycoon: "I have some good news and, I have some bad news."

The tycoon replies: "I've had an awful day, let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer says: "Well your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures this week that she figures are worth a minimum of $2-3 million."

The tycoon replies enthusiastically: "Well done... very good news indeed! You've just made my day; now what's the bad news?"

The lawyer answers: "Unfortunately for you, the pictures are of you with your secretary."

 

[UncleFai]

 

[UncleFai]

 

[Francis247]

You know Singapore is safe when banks don't have armed guards.

You know Singaporeans are obedient when a teller complies with just a note to hand over $30,000.

You know Singapore is truly globalised when even bank robbers are foreign talents.

You know Singapore is expensive when a bank robber's loot is insufficient to buy COE.

 

[UncleFai]

 

[UncleFai]

 

[romeo tango]

Thks all for keeping this thread alive :cheergal::cheergal::cheergal:

 

[lkf73]

 

[UncleFai]

Angela Merkel arrived in Athens Airport and was going through immigration.

"Nationality?" asked the immigration officer.

"German," replied Mrs Merkel.

"Occupation?" asked the officer.

"No, just here for a few days."

 

[shierwin]

Two elderly gentlemen where sitting on the bench under the tree.

One turn to the other and says "Slim. I'm 83 years old now and has full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, " I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really? Like a newborn baby?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

 

[UncleFai]

AIDS WARNING !

To all of you approaching 50 or have REACHED 50 and past, this is specially for you...

SENIOR CITIZENS ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS !!!

YES, AIDS...

HEARING AIDS
BAND AIDS
WALKING AIDS
MEDICAL AIDS
GOVERNMENT AIDS
MOST OF ALL,
MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!

Finally, not forgetting the HIV syndrome
(Hair is Vanishing syndrome).

 

[catchlights]

習近平去看毛澤東，拉開水晶棺說：
毛叔，
天上沙塵不散、
地上污染不斷、
北方缺水大旱、
南方雪雨泛濫、
奧運聖火難看、
西藏喇嘛亂竄、
官員貪污扯爛、
人民暴動千萬、
股市一片混亂、
黑心商品太爛、
港澳不聽使喚、
地方政府蠻幹、
台灣民主單幹、
美帝逼我一戰，我該怎麼辦？」
毛說：「你進來，我出去，嚇死這群王八蛋！」

 

[Francis247]

習近平去看毛澤東，拉開水晶棺說：
毛叔，
天上沙塵不散、
地上污染不斷、
北方缺水大旱、
南方雪雨泛濫、
奧運聖火難看、
西藏喇嘛亂竄、
官員貪污扯爛、
人民暴動千萬、
股市一片混亂、
黑心商品太爛、
港澳不聽使喚、
地方政府蠻幹、
台灣民主單幹、
美帝逼我一戰，我該怎麼辦？」
毛說：「你進來，我出去，嚇死這群王八蛋！」

Wahahaha

 

[UncleFai]

A man in Iowa received a text message on the phone from his new neighbour from India:

"Sorry sir I have been using your wife day and night when you are not present at home -- may be using more than you are using. Now I feel very much guilty. Hope you will accept my sincere apologies."

The angry man shot his wife immediately...

A few minutes later he received another message from the same guy:

"Sorry sir, spelling mistake... it should be 'wifi' not 'wife'."

 

[UncleFai]

The new SGX datacenter S.O.P....

 

[UncleFai]

Nice song...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qvOgAPa_mkw

 

[ninelives]

Last night, after dinner, I was taking a walk on the road. When I walked past a convenient store I thought of going in to buy something. Then I realised that I didn't have money with me. So I phoned my family to bring some money to me.
While waiting for my money, I saw an old man burning joss paper by the road side. I went to have a chat with him
"What are you doing here ? " I asked him
"I m sending money to my family " he said.
Then he asked me, " What are you doing here ?"
" I m waiting for my family to send money to me. "
On hearing this, his face turned pale and he ran away quickly.
I shouted to him, " Hey, don't run ! I am just waiting for my family to send money to me !"
Suddenly, all the people burning joss paper nearby also ran away. ��

 

[UncleFai]

A man asked his friend: "My wife treats me so badly and totally ignores me while my mistress treats me so fine. What should I do?"

His friend replied: "Don't believe the Opposition. Whoever comes to power will do the same things."

 

[Francis247]

https://www.facebook.com/SGTCN/videos/559167060932033/

For those who understand Teochew

 

[UncleFai]

Looks like we are not getting him back here anytime soon - possibly forever.