Ok, now we know you are also a blonde. Lol.
Jokes Thread
- Thread starter Shizuma
- Start date
ninelives
Senior Member
Height of embarrassment
A young man goes into a pharmacy and asks the
pharmacist: "Hello, could
you give me condom. My girlfriend has invited me for dinner and I think she is expecting something from me!"
The pharmacist gives him the condom; and as the young man is going out, he returns and tells him: "Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think she expects something from me too.." The pharmacist gives him a second condom; and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says : "After all, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mom is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes allusions... and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting something from me!!
During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mom facing him. When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying: "Dear Lord, bless this dinner... thank you for all you give us...!!!"
A minute later the boy is still praying: "Thank you Lord for your kindness..." Ten minutes go on and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down.
The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend even more than the others. She gets close to the boy and tells him in his ear: "I didn't know you were so religious!!!"
The boy replies:" I didn't know your dad is a pharmacist!!!"
A young man goes into a pharmacy and asks the
pharmacist: "Hello, could
you give me condom. My girlfriend has invited me for dinner and I think she is expecting something from me!"
The pharmacist gives him the condom; and as the young man is going out, he returns and tells him: "Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think she expects something from me too.." The pharmacist gives him a second condom; and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says : "After all, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mom is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes allusions... and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting something from me!!
During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mom facing him. When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying: "Dear Lord, bless this dinner... thank you for all you give us...!!!"
A minute later the boy is still praying: "Thank you Lord for your kindness..." Ten minutes go on and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down.
The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend even more than the others. She gets close to the boy and tells him in his ear: "I didn't know you were so religious!!!"
The boy replies:" I didn't know your dad is a pharmacist!!!"
ninelives
Senior Member
John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital.
One day, John suddenly dived into the deep end of the swimming pool
David jumped in and saved him, and the medical director came to know of his
heroic act.
He immediately order David to be discharged from the Mental Hospital as he
is OK.
Doctor: We have good news and bad news for you, David. The good news is that
we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses, since
you are able to jump in and save another patient you are now a normal
person. The bad news is that, the patient Mr. John, whom you have saved,
hung himself in the
toilet and died.
David: Doctor, he didn't hang himself. I hung him there to dry !
One day, John suddenly dived into the deep end of the swimming pool
David jumped in and saved him, and the medical director came to know of his
heroic act.
He immediately order David to be discharged from the Mental Hospital as he
is OK.
Doctor: We have good news and bad news for you, David. The good news is that
we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses, since
you are able to jump in and save another patient you are now a normal
person. The bad news is that, the patient Mr. John, whom you have saved,
hung himself in the
toilet and died.
David: Doctor, he didn't hang himself. I hung him there to dry !
Researchers for the Ministry of Transport found over 200 dead crows near greater Manchester recently,and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.
The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.
By analysing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorries, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
Ministry of Transport then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviourist very quickly concluded the cause:
--- when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry."
A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.
The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.
By analysing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorries, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
Ministry of Transport then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviourist very quickly concluded the cause:
--- when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry."
NEW GENERATION !!
Daughter: "Dad, I'm in love with a boy who lives far away from me. I am in Singapore and he lives in the UK . We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp, he proposed to me on Skype and now we've had two months of a great relationship through Viber. Dad, I need your blessings and good wishes." Father: "Wow! Really!! Then get married on Twitter, have fun on Line, buy your kids on Amazon and pay through Paypal. And if you are fed up with your husband...... sell him on Ebay.
Daughter: "Dad, I'm in love with a boy who lives far away from me. I am in Singapore and he lives in the UK . We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp, he proposed to me on Skype and now we've had two months of a great relationship through Viber. Dad, I need your blessings and good wishes." Father: "Wow! Really!! Then get married on Twitter, have fun on Line, buy your kids on Amazon and pay through Paypal. And if you are fed up with your husband...... sell him on Ebay.
Shizuma
Senior Member
Sherlock Holmes and his side kick Watson check into a budget hotel to conduct surveillance on the brothel opposite.
After a few hours of futile waiting next to the drawn curtains, Watson was feeling very thirsty indeed. He opened the mini-bar fridge and look through all the drinks, but they were depressingly expensive. He finally grew so frustrated, that he made a move to drink from the tap in the bathroom.
Sherlock stopped him by tossing him a bottle of Evian.
"What is this my dear Holmes? How are we going to afford this?"
Sherlock looked at the good Doctor gravely. "Complimentary, my dear Watson!"
After a few hours of futile waiting next to the drawn curtains, Watson was feeling very thirsty indeed. He opened the mini-bar fridge and look through all the drinks, but they were depressingly expensive. He finally grew so frustrated, that he made a move to drink from the tap in the bathroom.
Sherlock stopped him by tossing him a bottle of Evian.
"What is this my dear Holmes? How are we going to afford this?"
Sherlock looked at the good Doctor gravely. "Complimentary, my dear Watson!"
richiemccaw1
Senior Member
:what:
UncleFai
Senior Member
Important letter to all employees
To:
Dear Employees,
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much **** (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of **** it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough ****, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the **** you can handle.
Sincerely,
The Management
To:
Dear Employees,
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much **** (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of **** it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough ****, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the **** you can handle.
Sincerely,
The Management
Foxshade
Senior Member
I should stick this on my server room door.
Some time you really need to hire Ah Beng Designers.....
You like?
Shizuma
Senior Member
Slurpee
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