Jokes Thread
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Shizuma
Senior Member
Airport Security
A statistics professor plans to travel to a conference by plane. When he passes the security check, they discover a bomb in his carry-on-baggage. Of course, he is hauled off immediately for interrogation.
"I don't understand it!" the interrogating officer exclaims. "You're an accomplished professional, a caring family man, a pillar of your parish - and now you want to destroy that all by blowing up an airplane!"
"Sorry", the professor interrupts him. "I had never intended to blow up the plane."
"So, for what reason else did you try to bring a bomb on board?!"
"Let me explain. Statistics shows that the probability of a bomb being on an airplane is 1/1000. That's quite high if you think about it - so high that I wouldn't have any peace of mind on a flight."
"And what does this have to do with you bringing a bomb on board of a plane?"
"You see, since the probability of one bomb being on my plane is 1/1000, the chance that there are two bombs is 1/1000000. If I already bring one, the chance of another bomb being around is actually 1/1000000, and I am much safer..."
A statistics professor plans to travel to a conference by plane. When he passes the security check, they discover a bomb in his carry-on-baggage. Of course, he is hauled off immediately for interrogation.
"I don't understand it!" the interrogating officer exclaims. "You're an accomplished professional, a caring family man, a pillar of your parish - and now you want to destroy that all by blowing up an airplane!"
"Sorry", the professor interrupts him. "I had never intended to blow up the plane."
"So, for what reason else did you try to bring a bomb on board?!"
"Let me explain. Statistics shows that the probability of a bomb being on an airplane is 1/1000. That's quite high if you think about it - so high that I wouldn't have any peace of mind on a flight."
"And what does this have to do with you bringing a bomb on board of a plane?"
"You see, since the probability of one bomb being on my plane is 1/1000, the chance that there are two bombs is 1/1000000. If I already bring one, the chance of another bomb being around is actually 1/1000000, and I am much safer..."
nikoneer
Member
I had a bit of a loading brain. took me a while to understand.
Shizuma
Senior Member
Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out fireman, policeman, salesman, tradesman etc .etc., but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, hell go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him.
The teacher quickly set the other children some work to do and took Billy aside to ask him was that really true.
No said Billy, He plays football for Manchester United but I was just too embarrassed to say.
My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, hell go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him.
The teacher quickly set the other children some work to do and took Billy aside to ask him was that really true.
No said Billy, He plays football for Manchester United but I was just too embarrassed to say.
UncleFai
Senior Member
“No” said Billy, "My dad is David Moyes but I was just too embarrassed to say”.
richiemccaw1
Senior Member
Shag.. DM kena this kinda joke.
9V-Orion Images
New Member
One fine day, a lady got pregnant and all her friends went up to her, touched her stomach and said "Congratulations...!!!" But none of them went to touch her husband’s tool and say "Well Done".
Moral is hard work is often unappreciated and overlooked, only result seems to matter.
Moral is hard work is often unappreciated and overlooked, only result seems to matter.
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Bukitimah
Senior Member
Maybe it is difficult to determine who is this hard working fellow haha
Shizuma
Senior Member
Moral is everybody appreciates success but no one knows how often you've been screwed to get there
Foxshade
Senior Member
... and classic argument about who owns the child: If I put in the $ into vending machine, the coke that came out belongs to me or the vending machine?
Shizuma
Senior Member
Frank is 85 and lives in a Senior Citizens Home. Every night after dinner he goes to a secluded garden behind the home to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 82, wanders into the garden.
They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Frank turns to Mildred and asks,
"Do you know what I miss most of all?" She asks, "What?'' "Sex." he replies. Mildred exclaims, "Why you old coot. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"
"I know," Frank says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while." "Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.
Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Frank's thingie.
Then one night Frank didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find him and make sure he was O.K.
She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Frank's little pal!
Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing son-of-a-gun!! What does Ethel have that I don't have?"
Old Frank smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's"
They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Frank turns to Mildred and asks,
"Do you know what I miss most of all?" She asks, "What?'' "Sex." he replies. Mildred exclaims, "Why you old coot. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"
"I know," Frank says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while." "Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.
Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Frank's thingie.
Then one night Frank didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find him and make sure he was O.K.
She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Frank's little pal!
Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing son-of-a-gun!! What does Ethel have that I don't have?"
Old Frank smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's"
Corgified1
New Member
found these online hahaha:
A group of artists are invited for dinner by a famous chef.
In greeting the photographer, the chef comments:
I love your photos, theyre wonderful, you must have a very expensive camera.The photographer doesnt reply and walks into the dining room.
After dinner the photographer approaches the chef and says:
Dinner was sensational, very exquisite flavors, a true work of art,
you must have a very sophisticated stove.
----
A group of artists are invited for dinner by a famous chef.
In greeting the photographer, the chef comments:
I love your photos, theyre wonderful, you must have a very expensive camera.The photographer doesnt reply and walks into the dining room.
After dinner the photographer approaches the chef and says:
Dinner was sensational, very exquisite flavors, a true work of art,
you must have a very sophisticated stove.
----
nikoneer
Member
hahahaha so funny.
in stove there is no Auto menu for automatic cooking...
In camera there is Auto for auto settings...
Cook still wins... who knows if the photographer is using A then spray and pray 'till he gets nice photo.
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9V-Orion Images
New Member
Conan O'Brien Presents: Team Coco,
Conan Takes A Samurai Sword To The Gut
Possible Extreme Graphic Content Warning: link contains reenacted stunts replicating depictions of gore and violence.
May not be suitable for some audience.
Conan Takes A Samurai Sword To The Gut
Possible Extreme Graphic Content Warning: link contains reenacted stunts replicating depictions of gore and violence.
May not be suitable for some audience.
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Shizuma
Senior Member
In a radio contest ...
I phoned the local radio station today.
When the DJ answered the phone he said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you have to is answer my next question correctly to win the grind prize."
"WAHOO!" I shouted in delight.
"It's a math question," he continued. "Feeling confident?"
"I have a degree in Math and teach it at my local school," I proudly replied.
"Ok then, to win 2 VIP tickets to a Justin Bieber concert and to meet him back stage what it is 2+2?"
"7," I replied.
I phoned the local radio station today.
When the DJ answered the phone he said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you have to is answer my next question correctly to win the grind prize."
"WAHOO!" I shouted in delight.
"It's a math question," he continued. "Feeling confident?"
"I have a degree in Math and teach it at my local school," I proudly replied.
"Ok then, to win 2 VIP tickets to a Justin Bieber concert and to meet him back stage what it is 2+2?"
"7," I replied.
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