Jokes Thread
- Thread starter Shizuma
- Start date
Halfmoon
Senior Member
Blonde Gal Again
A blind man wanders into an all Girls Biker Bar in London, England by mistake.
He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's only fair, given you are blind, to tell you you're in a girls biker bar and you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously "Mister", do you still wanna tell that joke? "
The blind man thinks for a minute, sighs, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No, it's a good joke but not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Halfmoon
Senior Member
Success Story of a Wall Street Chuck
Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Chuck said, 'Sure I can, watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with the dead donkey?'
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
Chuck now works on Wall Street.
Halfmoon
Senior Member
Doctor and his Watch
The American doctor parked his brand new Lexus right in front of the hospital, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, an ambulance came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's door.
Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus, his lights flashing. But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the doctor started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.
After the doctor finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you doctors are, " he said. "You are so focused on your possessions you neglect the most important things in life."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the doctor.
The cop replied, "Don't you even realize your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the ambulance hit you!!!"
"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the doctor....... "MY ROLEX IS GONE!"
The American doctor parked his brand new Lexus right in front of the hospital, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, an ambulance came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's door.
Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus, his lights flashing. But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the doctor started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.
After the doctor finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you doctors are, " he said. "You are so focused on your possessions you neglect the most important things in life."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the doctor.
The cop replied, "Don't you even realize your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the ambulance hit you!!!"
"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the doctor....... "MY ROLEX IS GONE!"
Halfmoon
Senior Member
Make Sure He is DEAD
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "I think my friend is dead! What do I do?"
The operator, in calm, soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, and then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
Halfmoon
Senior Member
A Christian Bear
AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS
An atheist was walking through the woods.
"What majestic trees!"
"What powerful rivers!"
"What beautiful animals!"
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot, grizzly bear charging towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.
He tripped and fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear was right on top of him; reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you really expect me to help you out of this predicament?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, and said, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well", said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:
"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."
Halfmoon
Senior Member
Smart Watson
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Meteorologically, I suspect we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone stole our tent!"
Shizuma
Senior Member
did they go camping on Brokeback Mountain?
madmartian
Senior Member
Still wrong coz he has split personality :bsmilie:
Light Machinery
Senior Member
I enjoyed reading this thread very much!!!. Thanks to all the contributors. 
UncleFai
Senior Member
The man is wrong in all multiverses and in all concept of time-space - quantum or relativistic.
ninelives
Senior Member
good one, lol.
ninelives
Senior Member
LOLOLOLOLOLOL.
Halfmoon
Senior Member
Eh.... shhh..... we are not suppose to ask.... :nono: :bsmilie:
Halfmoon
Senior Member
Woman is ALWAYS RIGHT.... Law of the cosmic? :think:
Halfmoon
Senior Member
Ok.. so what make it women is always right? :think:
Halfmoon
Senior Member
Little Johnny
So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it. One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "teacher, I'll bet you$50 I can guess what color your underwear is." She replies, "okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But beforeclass ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties.
After class is over and the students clear out, Johnny makes his guess. "Blue." "Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear. "Well come with me out to my dads car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money." She follows him out. When they get to the car she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear. His dad exclaims: "That mother ****er! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!"
So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it. One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "teacher, I'll bet you$50 I can guess what color your underwear is." She replies, "okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But beforeclass ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties.
After class is over and the students clear out, Johnny makes his guess. "Blue." "Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear. "Well come with me out to my dads car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money." She follows him out. When they get to the car she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear. His dad exclaims: "That mother ****er! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!"
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