Jokes Thread

[photoart]

once upon a time, Mr Yellow Noodles and Mr BBQ Pork Bun were good friends. They went everywhere together and talked about everything under the sun

However during one day, they had an argument over a small matter. The argument soon turned into a big fight where mr yellow noodles beat the hell up of Mr BBQ Pork Bun and ran away.

Mr BBQ Pork Bun wanted revenge and searched everywhere high and low for Mr Yellow Noodles but was unsuccessful for many days.

Then one day, Mr BBQ Pork Bun was walking in the park and saw Mr Maggie Mee. Mr BBQ Pork Bun then quickly ran over and started bashing Mr Maggie Mee up badly.

Mr Maggie Mee was in a daze and asked Mr BBQ Pork Bun :"why did you beat me up??!!"

Mr BBQ Pork Bun then smugly replied:"you think that you've permed your hair then I cannot recognize you?"

 

[hanzohattori]

Few nights ago, my wife just finished brushing my 5 yrs old daughter's teeth when I remembered this evil idea.
me: How to make vegetable oil?
wife: Not sure, but they must have crushed and squeezed the vegetable to extract the oil.
me: Ok, and how to make baby oil?
my kid: NO! NO!!! Mommy must have said it wrongly!!!!

Well done comrade

 

[Francis247]

What happened when the ghost asked for a whiskey at his local bar?

The bartender said Sorry sir, we do not serve spirits here!

 

[Francis247]

One day, a 7 year old boy went to visit his grandmother. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said: "Grandma, why don't you have a boyfriend now that grandpa went to heaven?"

Grandma replied: "Honey, my TV-set is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs makes me feel good and the comedies makes me laugh. I'm happy with my it as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV-set, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting knobs, trying to get it focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood his grandpa's old friend, now the grandma's minister.

The minister said: "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"

The little boy replied: "Yeah, she's in the bedroom banging her boyfriend!"

 

[MarkersNg]

One day, a 7 year old boy went to visit his grandmother. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said: "Grandma, why don't you have a boyfriend now that grandpa went to heaven?"

Grandma replied: "Honey, my TV-set is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs makes me feel good and the comedies makes me laugh. I'm happy with my it as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV-set, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting knobs, trying to get it focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood his grandpa's old friend, now the grandma's minister.

The minister said: "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"

The little boy replied: "Yeah, she's in the bedroom banging her boyfriend!"

:bsmilie::bsmilie:

 

[Shizuma]

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.
He travelled up to Alaska , spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.

The black bear said,'That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex.' After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Frank.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, 'That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have 'rough sex.' Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank. Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered.

Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on is shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, 'Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?'

 

[KissMyAxe]

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm together, and then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely.
A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the two gays, she points out that the happy child is theirs.

Isn't it wonderful?," one says to the other. "All these unhappy babies...and yet our baby is so happy.This just proves our love for one another." The
nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when we pull the pacifier out of his ass."

 

[UncleFai]

 

[Shizuma]

Who's guilty?

A wife is dreaming in bed. Suddenly she half-wakes and shouts "Quick! Hide! My husband is home!"

Her husband jolts up and jumps into the closet!

 

[Halfmoon]

Who's guilty?

A wife is dreaming in bed. Suddenly she half-wakes and shouts "Quick! Hide! My husband is home!"

Her husband jolts up and jumps into the closet!

One is in a dream... one just follow law...

Both are innocent! :bsmilie:

 

[UncleFai]

 

[Shizuma]

even I also cannot keep eye contact.

 

[Halfmoon]

even I also cannot keep eye contact.

The headlight too bright. ..

Cannot open my eyes...

 

[Foxshade]

The headlight too bright. ..

Cannot open my eyes...

Strange, for my case my eyes v reluctant to close. Even lower the rate of blinking.

 

[Halfmoon]

Strange, for my case my eyes v reluctant to close. Even lower the rate of blinking.

New eye treatment? Hmm..... lol....

 

[madmartian]

Any Last Requests?

Three women are about to be executed.

One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.

Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . .."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"

Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"

Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did.

The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready. . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

 

[Halfmoon]

Any Last Requests?

Three women are about to be executed.

One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.

Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . .."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"

Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"

Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did.

The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready. . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

Amen.

 

[Foxshade]

3 people having sex is called threesome.
2 people having sex is called twosome.
That's why I bashed that guy for calling me handsome.

 

[Halfmoon]

Robot Lie Detector

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork."

The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"

Son says, "Toy Story."

The robot slaps the son.

Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."

Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."

The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."

The robot slaps the mother.


Robot for sale.

 

[Halfmoon]

Subject: 9 months later.

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined it was from the attorney of the attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.', said Keith.

'Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Keith's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'