Jokes Thread

[nattyERR]

After an excitingly hot 69 position with his girlfriend, Tom remembered he had a dentist appointment.
He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times, used
dental floss 8 times & on top of that gargled with 1 litre of Listerine.

As he arrived at the dentist he sucked 2 strong mints too. His turn came up & the dentist told him to take a seat.
Feeling confident & relaxed, Tom opened his mouth wide.

The dentist got close enough & said, "Man, did you have 69 before you came here?"

"Erh??" Tom asked, "Does my breath smell like pussy?"

"No" The dentist replied, "Your forehead smells like ****!!!"

 

[nattyERR]

A newly married husband saved his wife's number on his mobile ID as "My life"

After one year of marriage he changed the ID to "My Wife"

After 2 years of marriage he changed the ID to "Home"

After 5 years of marriage he changed the ID to "Hitler"

After 10 years of marriage he changed the ID to "Wrong Number"

 

[nattyERR]

Some students' answers unbridled by conventional thinking

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die? ANS* his last battle.
Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? ANS* at the bottom of the page.
Q3. River Ravi flows in which state? ANS* liquid.
Q4. What is the main reason for divorce? ANS* marriage.
Q5. What is the main reason for failure? ANS* exams.
Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast? ANS* Lunch & dinner.
Q7. What looks like half an apple? ANS* The other half.
Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? ANS* It will simply become wet.
Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ? ANS* No problem, he sleeps at night.
Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? ANS* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand.
Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
ANS* Very large hands.
Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? ANS* No time at all, the wall is already built.
Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? ANS* Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

:bsmilie: :bsmilie: :bsmilie:

 

[nattyERR]

MEN DO REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES


A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.

'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily..

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

'I would have been released today.'


Always laugh when you can, it helps relive stress. Have a great weekend.

 

[nattyERR]

WHY DO COUPLES FIGHT

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started.
*************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 100 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a weighing scale.
And then the fight started.
***************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.
So, I took her to a petrol station.
And then the fight started.
***************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and my wife kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked my wife, 'Do you know him?'
'Yes,' she sighed, 'He's my old boyfriend.
I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' I said to my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started.
***************************

My wife is standing & looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to me,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.
***************************

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Carlsberg for $50.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $30.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream..
And then the fight started..
***************************

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I've not been in a long time."
So I took her to the kitchen.
Then the fight started.

Always laugh when you can, it helps relive stress. Have a fruitful weekend.

 

[Francis247]

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.

The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good!

I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful.

That is what I wish for...a good man."

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the bloody map again.""

 

[Deyeno]

Cute questions.................some of them actually need answering!

QUESTIONS YOU JUST may not be able to or CAN'T ANSWER

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

What is the speed of darkness?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


Did you ever stop and wonder.......

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's ass!!!!!!!

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs !

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?


Stop singing and read on......

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing


Cheers ....

 

[nikoneer]

stop singing an read on!!!! hahaha

 

[nattyERR]

A day at the races

One day while he was at the track betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt, Bob noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse -- a very long shot -- won the race.

Before the following race, the Priest blessed yet another horse. Bob made a beeline for the betting window, and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse that the priest had blessed won the race.

Bob collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest showed, blessed a horse, Bob bet a large amount of money on it, and it won!

True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears, and hooves of one of the horses.

Bob bet every cent he had, including his life savings. Bob then watched the horse come in dead last. He was dumbfounded.

He made his way to the track, and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day long you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now, thanks to you, I've lost all my savings!"

The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with Protestants -- you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites!



It's only a joke.

 

[nattyERR]

Ranch Life

Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy,

"The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the post just above the cow's stall in the barn.

You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?"

So the rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one.. right here."

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another silly city blonde, the man asks, "Tell me young lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"

"That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains very confidently.

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

She turns to walk away, and with complete confidence, says: "I guess it's to hang your pants on ....."

:bsmilie::bsmilie::bsmilie:

 

[nattyERR]

Sheep Fries

There was once a sheep farmer who needed help with his farm ... especially, the difficult task of castrating some of his inferior male sheep to keep them from breeding with the Females.

He hired a Frenchman who didn't speak much English, but was a very good worker.

After the first day, they had successfully castrated 14 sheep and his French worker was just about to throw away the severed, "parts", when the sheep farmer yelled,

"No -- Don't throw those away -- "My wife fries them up and we eat them ... they're delicious, and we call them 'sheep fries."

Later that day, the French hired-hand came in for supper and, indeed, he thought that the "sheep fries" were very tasty.

The next day, they castrated the remaining 16 sheeps, and that evening they all settled down to another supper of "sheep fries".

On the third day, however, when the sheep farmer came in for supper, he asked his wife where the French hired-hand was.

"You know, it's the weirdest thing," she said. "I told him that since there weren't that many "sheep fries" this evening, we were also going to have French Fries ... and he ran off like his ass was on fire without taking his belongings!"

:bsmilie:

 

[Shizuma]

Ah Ma just got on the bus.

Boy-boy, 8 yrs old, started to stand up, but Ah Ma pressed his shoulder down into the seat and said "No need, young man. You just sit right down, Ah Ma very strong, don't need your seat."

As Ah Ma was about to pass the seat (shuffling slowly along), Boy-boy started to stand up again. Ah Ma wagged her finger at him and said "Young man, I have better hearing than you even though I am 80! You sit right down okay!" And she firmly pressed Boy-boy into his seat.

Boy-boy tried to stand up again and Ah-Ma was very angry. "You think I really so weak need to sit?"

Boy-boy started to cry. "I missed my bus stop already, and now you are scolding me like this...!"

 

[oceanpriest]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

 

[Foxshade]

My Favorite Classic:

[video=youtube_share;rtvDCiHfYQ0]http://youtu.be/rtvDCiHfYQ0[/video]

you betta laugh, you sonuva beach.... :sticktong

 

[Foxshade]

A young boy asks his Dad, “What is the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad says, “You are my son, I’m confident about that.
Your friend over there, is also my son, that’s confidential!”

 

[nattyERR]

Working people frequently asked retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

For me, the other day, Betty my wife and I went into a supermarket.
When we came out, there was a cop near the bus stop writing out a ticket for parking offence.
We went up to him and I said, "Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him "a_ _ _ hole".
He glared at me looked at the car's tires and started writing another ticket for worn-out tires.
Then Betty called him"s_ _ _head".
He finished writing the second ticket and put it together with the first ticket on the windshield.
Then he started writing more tickets.
Just then our bus arrived and we got onto it and went home.

We tried to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.
Don't you agree it's important at our age?

 

[nattyERR]

Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Coke..

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery...

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over,
so he phoned the other husband and said:
"These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst.

My wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing," said the other husband,

"Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that read .....
'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.'

 

[Shizuma]

A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit, She instructed her son to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to his daddy who was on site.

After junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that there was a lady that picked up daddy's phone the three times he tried reaching dad on the mobile.

She waited impatiently for her husband to return from work and upon seeing him in the driveway, she rushed out and gave him a tight slap, and she slapped him again, for good measure.

People from the neighborhood rushed around to find out what the cause of the commotion was.

The woman asked junior to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called.

Junior said:

"The subscriber you have dialed is not available at present. Please Try Again Later"

 

[Shizuma]

wa lau . 1 month and 18 days without a joke. Clubsnap is getting gloomy again. Please post your joke!

 

[Foxshade]

Few nights ago, my wife just finished brushing my 5 yrs old daughter's teeth when I remembered this evil idea.
me: How to make vegetable oil?
wife: Not sure, but they must have crushed and squeezed the vegetable to extract the oil.
me: Ok, and how to make baby oil?
my kid: NO! NO!!! Mommy must have said it wrongly!!!!