Jokes Thread

[Shizuma]

As I knocked back drink after drink the concerned barmaid asked, "Are you okay, sir?"
"My son would have been two today..." I sobbed.
"Oh, I'm sorry," she replied. "Do you mind if I ask what happened?"

"He was born a day late," I replied. "Now I've got to go to his stinking birthday party tomorrow instead of playing golf with the lads."

 

[Shizuma]

New Chemist's Assistant

A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own. She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.

"Look," he said. "My regular customers don’t ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large]. The word condom won’t even be used.

The first day was fine, but on the second day a coloured guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "350"..

The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament. "Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her.

She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs. "Yes!" she said " He's got one hanging there!" The boss said "Go back in and give him $3.50, he's the window cleaner!"

 

[Deyeno]

I recently read in The Express and Star, that a woman has sued her local hospital, saying that after her husband was treated recently, he has lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied, "The man was actually admitted in Ophthalmology - all we did was correct his eyesight ..."

 

[Deyeno]

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ..... and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother. 'Grandma,' he asked, "This is me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like me father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's troubled brown eyes and said: "Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya f**kin idiot!"

 

[Foxshade]

Bravery is arriving home late after a boozy night out with your mates, being confronted by your wife with a broom, and say:

Haven't you finished cleaning yet, or are you flying off somewhere?

Wow! Thanks...
You know, as a Crhistian, suicide is a sin. Now I seem to find a way around it......:bsmilie:

 

[Shizuma]

re post . copyright belong to originator , not me

The night before the election, Mitt Romney was very confident & told his wife Ann "this time tomorrow night, you'll be sleeping with the President of the United States". After Mitt's concession speech, they head to bed. Ann was getting undressed when she asked,.."so how does this work?? Is Barrack coming over here or am I suppose to go over there?"

(reposted from mobile and updated with credits to sempai Octarine)

 

[Deyeno]

1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance. I have no coordinations. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

 

[kei1309]

i'm trying to be serious here.

 

[Foxshade]

Bill Gates managed to connect with Steve Jobs after the latter's passing:

Bill: Hi, Steve! How's up there?
Steve: Great! Heaven's so huge that there's no visible walls.
Bill: Wow, cool!
Steve: Yeah... Since there's no wall, we don't have Windows and Gates too.... No offence here.
Bill:....... None taken. Btw, since you are there, can you confirm some rumour?
Steve: Sure!
Bill: I heard that over there nobody is allowed to touch apple.....
Steve: ......

 

[Deyeno]

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."


A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No, ma'am, they're dead."

 

[01dsk001]

Pick up line #2: "How much for body only?"

 

[Shizuma]

Originator:
Brian Tunstall (UK) - As seen on BBC page.

My friend was always showing me photos of his dog saying how clever it was, bringing his paper & slippers, it could nearly talk, so when he brought in the album from his daughters wedding I looked through it and said, "hang on" where`s the dog, he looked at me as if I was stupid and said "well someone had to take the photos"

(sorry no insult to the wedding photographers. this dog is really smart)

 

[Foxshade]

(sorry no insult to the wedding photographers. this dog is really smart)

.. and cats are writing posts in KPT....:bsmilie:

 

[Foxshade]

At one of the First Aid tents along Marathon Route:

Medical staff: Sir, you really shouldn't over exert yourself.
Collapsed runner: I didn't! Well, until I saw a bunch of crew cut guys wearing shirt saying: "SPF Bomb Disposal Squad. If you see me run, you'd better catch up" took over me.

 

[Yutaka Go]

I AM MR SALIU ALI, THE MANAGER FOREIGN REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT (BOA)
BANK OF AFRICAN IN BURKINA FASO. I WILL LIKE YOU TO INDICATE YOUR INTEREST TO RECEIVE THE TRANSFER OF US$7.5 MILLION.
6O% FOR ME AND 40% FOR YOU, YOU WILL STAND AS NEXT OF KING TO MY LATE CUSTOMER
WHO DIED IN PLAN CRASH ON THE (26TH OF DECEMBER 2003) LIVING NO BODY BEHIND.

I WILL LIKE YOU TO FORWARD THE INFORMATION BELLOW TO ME IF YOU ARE INTERESTED.

1) Your Full Name............
2) Your Age........................
3) Marital Status.....................
4) Your Phone Number...............
5) Your Fax Numbers...................
6) Your Country............................
7) Your Occupation........................
8) Sex............................................

WAITING TO HEAR FROM YOU SOON
YOURS FAITHFULLY
MR SALIU ALI

My Reply

1) Full Name - Yutaka
2) Age - Secret
3) Marital Status - married 10 times
4) Phone Number - 0000000001
5) Fax Numbers - fax machine is obsolete
6) Country - I am going to be your country's King
7) Occupation - King of your country, basically just eat and sleep
8) Sex - 6 times per week

 

[oceanpriest]

Originator:
Brian Tunstall (UK) - As seen on BBC page.

My friend was always showing me photos of his dog saying how clever it was, bringing his paper & slippers, it could nearly talk, so when he brought in the album from his daughters wedding I looked through it and said, "hang on" where`s the dog, he looked at me as if I was stupid and said "well someone had to take the photos"

(sorry no insult to the wedding photographers. this dog is really smart)

is that you, Shizuma? :bsmilie:
[youtube]QvlRhC9DWWo[/youtube]

 

[Deyeno]

A customer was so infatuated with his waitress he decided to ask her for a date, but couldn't get her attention.
When he was at last able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away.
Finally he followed her into the kitchen and confronted her. With a total lack of finesse, he blurted out his invitation.
To his amazement, she readily consented.

"Why have you been avoiding me since you served me? You wouldn't even make eye contact," he asked?

"Oh," replied the waitress. "I thought you wanted more coffee."

 

[Halfmoon]

So many reposts of this one :bsmilie:

A classic.... but should not keep condom in cars cause the heat will compromise the condom material safety issue.

 

[UncleFai]

A man enters a toilet cubicle to do his big business.

Suddenly, a voice from the next cubicle said "Hi How are you?"

The man was stunned and not wanting to be impolite, he answered "I am fine, thank you."

The voice next door then asked "Lunch break huh? What did you have for lunch?"

The man said "Nasi Lemak. Not very good, I am afraid. That's why I am here."

The voice next door asked "Wow. May be we should go out for dinner some time?"

The man was stunned and sai "Err... But..."

The voice then said "Honey, I will call you back. This idiot next door keeps answering me!"

 

[Deyeno]

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking older man in his mid-sixties, and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you'd better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.

The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. When the lion is about half way to her, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is agape. "I've never seen a display like that in my life!" he exclaims. He then turns to the older man and asks, "Can you top that?"

The older man replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."