EXPOSE Yourself - VII

[zac08]

The Teddy Bears


A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.

They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.

Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.

After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the after glow the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"

The woman says, "You can have any prize from the BOTTOM shelf."

 

[Dream Merchant]

Cannot... must drink slowly one.... hahahaha

Just sit in your comfy swivel chair, and I'll drip it in with a tube. :devil::bsmilie::bsmilie:

 

[Jimmy81]

Just sit in your comfy swivel chair, and I'll drip it in with a tube. :devil::bsmilie::bsmilie:

Which tube?? ;p

 

[zac08]

Naughty, Naughty


One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen.

"What's wrong dearest??" asked the confused husband.

"Oh darling," sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bedm, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do???"

"Well," replied the man...
"I guess a spanking is out of the question?"

 

[zac08]

Horsie Ride


Little Johnny is passing his parents bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in the Act.

Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims, "Oh boy! Horsie ride! Daddy can I ride on your back?"

Daddy was relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, he agrees.

Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.

Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

 

[zac08]

The Nudist Colony


Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" The Huge Man: "You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.

Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?" Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee." Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities.....

"Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day!

 

[zac08]

Best Pickup Lines I've Used


The word of the day is "LEGS", let's go back to my place and spread the word.

Let's name your legs. The right one is Thanksgiving and the left one is Christmas. Can I come between the holidays?

I'd like to **** your brains out, but it looks like someone beat me to it.

Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

Was your daddy a baker? 'Cause you sure gotta nice set of buns.

Can I borrow a quarter? I just want to call your mother and thank her for having you!

 

[zac08]

Martain Sex


A couple from earth has finally saved up enough money to take a vacation on mars (they could do that then). So they go to mars and meet a martain couple and start talking about they way they do things and come to the subject of sex. They decide to switch partners for the night to see what happens.

The human woman and the man martain go into a room and the martain strips but his thing is the size of a pencil (whoa), and the woman says, "um, how is this going to work?"
The martain man replies "Oh, not big enough? Okay then."

All of a sudden he starts slapping his forehead and his thing grows longer. "Um, that's good but isn't it still a little thin?
"No problem" the martain man replies.
Then he starts pulling his ears and it grows wider.
The woman is amazed by this and they have wonderful sex.

The next day they meet and the human man asks his wife how it was and she said "Oh my, it was wonderful! How was your night?"

The man replied, "It was awful!!
The martain woman kept slapping my forehead and puling my ears!"

 

[zac08]

10 reasons why it sucks to be a penis!


1. You've got a hole in your head.

 

[zac08]

10 reasons why it sucks to be a penis!


2. Your master strangles you all the time.

 

[zac08]

10 reasons why it sucks to be a penis!


3. Your head is smaller than the rest of you

 

[zac08]

10 reasons why it sucks to be a penis!


4. You shrink in cold water.

 

[zac08]

10 reasons why it sucks to be a penis!


5. You never get a haircut.

 

[zac08]

10 reasons why it sucks to be a penis!


6. You always hang around with 2 nuts.

 

[zac08]

10 reasons why it sucks to be a penis!


7. Your closest neighbor is an ass****.

 

[zac08]

10 reasons why it sucks to be a penis!


8. Your best friend is a pussy.

 

[zac08]

10 reasons why it sucks to be a penis!


9. Your scalp gets cut off if you're Jewish.

 

[zac08]

10 reasons why it sucks to be a penis!


10. Everytime you get excited, you throw up.

 

[johnmaeda]

:thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup:

 

[g-khoo]

wow zac is on overdrive.