Jokes Thread

[UncleFai]

A lady, with her little 10-yr old boy, was eating in a restaurant. In an oversight, the kid swallowed a coin and choked.

The mother tried hitting his back, slapping on the neck, shaking him hard without any success to make him spit out the coin.

Now the boy began to show signs of choking and turning blue. The desperate mother started screaming for help.

A man got up from a nearby table, and with astonishing tranquility, without saying a word, he lowered the boys pants, squeezed and pulled down violently his testicles!

Naturally, the boy with irresistible pain spitted out the coin. The gentleman with the same astonishing ease & tranquility returned to his table without a word.

Soon the mother calmed down & approached the gentleman and thank him for saving his boy's life.

She asked, "Sir, are you a doctor?"

"No, ma'am, I am an assistant commissioner of the Income Tax Department."

"We are trained to squeeze the balls of everyone to make them cough up the last penny."

Remember to file your individual income tax by 15 Apr for paper form or 18 Apr for e-filing.

 

[UncleFai]

Photographers are VIOLENT people!

First, they FRAME you.

Then they SHOOT you.

And when it is all over, they HANG you on the wall.

 

[Yutaka Go]

I saw these in Facebook. :bsmilie:

“United Airlines, where they put the ‘hospital in hospitality.”

"United Airlines ticket prices can't be beaten, but their passengers can"

"Board the plane as doctor, leave the plane as patient"

"May the seating be ever in your favour"

Roses are red. Violets are blue. So will your face be when they're done with you.

Starting this week, United Airlines now offering BOTH red eye and black eye flights.

There are 4 types of economy class in United Airlines. Economy, Economy Plus, Economy Plus Beating, Economy Drag

 

[UncleFai]

A man and his NAGGING wife were on holiday in Jerusalem, when the wife suddenly died.

The funeral company told the man that it would cost $45,000 to ship her home or $500 to bury her in Jerusalem.

The husband said, “Ship her home.”

Shocked, the undertaker asked, “But sir, why don’t you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money?”

To which the husband replied, “A long time ago, a man was buried here and 3 days later, he rose from the dead….I can't take THAT RISK!”

 

[petetherock]

[FONT=&amp]Woman looks into her lover's eye and cooes "talk dirty to me"..
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[FONT=&amp]The man hesitates for a moment... "ok, er... sometimes I if I can't find a clean pair of skivvies, I just flip the pair over and wear them.. "
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:bsmilie:[FONT=&amp]

[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]

​

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[UncleFai]

HOW TO INSTALL HUSBAND

A woman wrote to the IT Technical Support guy:-

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance. This is particularly in the Flowers and Jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled another valuable program, Romance 9.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as News 5.0, Money 3.0 and Soccer 4.1.

What can I do?
Rgds.
XXXX

Reply:

Dear Madam,
First, keep in mind Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command- ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 , then only it will automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above applications can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 , Beer 6.1 or Whisky 6.8.

Also, DO NOT disturb the original package of Husband 1.0, otherwise new virus Girlfriend 2.5 will automatically be downloaded into your system. So please be careful!

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

We recommend: Cooking 3.0.

Good Luck Madam!

 

[UncleFai]

A plane is on its way to Toronto, when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here."

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in First Class, that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "oh, I'm sorry." and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

"I told her, 'First Class isn't going to Toronto."

 

[UncleFai]

A guy was nailing his interview when the employer said, "well you look great but I see here there was a 7 year gap since your last job, what happened there?"

The guy says, "Oh I went to Yale".

The employer: "oh great!! Well you're hired, you start Monday."

Guy: "Yay! I got a yob!"

 

[Nikonzen]

A politician, his son, a lawyer, and a spy all walk into a bar together. The bartender says, "You all here to talk about adoption"? ;p

 

[UncleFai]

A new book entitled "How to change your wife in 30 days!" came out and sold like hot cakes. 2 million copies sold in a week, and made the top seller list.

Then the author realized the typo in the title and got the publisher to change it to the correct one - "How to change your life in 30 days!" It has sold 10 copies since.

 

[gktat1]

:bsmilie:

 

[UncleFai]

The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple onboard, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.

“Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, graceful and rich looking female passenger onboard. She looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat, old, redhead slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous. We must save the lady!"

The Captain responds, "Patricia, I’ve told you before....You do not work for United Airlines anymore. This is Air Force One. For the last time...please learn to respect the American President!"

 

[UncleFai]

A man and his wife went to a doctor.

The doctor took the husband in first.

The husband was a bit embarrassed and told the doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his wife and she was getting frustrated.

He checked his blood pressure and other things, and finally told him he would see his wife now.

He took her to another cubicle and told her to completely disrobe.

Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly.

She did as instructed.

He then told her to turn all the way around in the other direction.

Then he said, "Ok, you can get dressed now, I will talk to your husband."

Then the doctor went into the other office and told the husband, "You can relax. There is nothing wrong with you, I couldn't get an erection either."

 

[UncleFai]

This is where technology is taking us.

Hello! Is this Gordon's Pizza?

No sir, it's Google's Pizza.

Did I dial the wrong number?

No sir, Google bought the pizza store.

Oh, alright - then I’d like to place an order please.

Okay sir, do you want the usual?

The usual?

You know what my usual is?

According to the caller ID, the last 15 times you’ve ordered a 12-slice with double-cheese, sausage, and thick crust.

Okay - that’s what I want this time too.

May I suggest that this time you order an 8-slice with ricotta, arugula, and tomato instead?

No, I hate vegetables.

But your cholesterol is not good.

How do you know?

Through the subscribers guide. We have the results of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

Maybe so, but I don’t want the pizza you suggest – I already take medicine for high cholesterol.

But you haven’t taken the medicine regularly. 4 months ago you purchased from Drugsale Network a box of only 30 tablets.

I bought more from another drugstore.

It's not showing on your credit card sir.

I paid in cash.

But according to your bank statement you did not withdraw that much cash.

I have another source of cash.

This is not showing on your last tax form, unless you got it from an undeclared income source.

WHAT THE HELL? ENOUGH! I'm sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, and WhatsApp. I'm going to an island without internet, where there’s no cellphone line, and no one to spy on me ...

I understand sir, but you’ll need to renew your passport ... it expired 5 weeks ago.

 

[ninelives]

can i have a shown of hands, who still reading these lousy jokes ?

 

[UncleFai]

can i have a shown of hands, who still reading these lousy jokes ?

Sigh... ok lor...

 

[sgciti55]

If the jokes are lousy,why don't you contribute some better ones? Me, I read this thread, if funny I laugh, if not funny I say to myself can be better. Life's like that lah, as John Denver said, "some days are diamond, some days are stones." Chill.

 

[Nikonzen]

This thread's great!

 

[JMLoh]

This thread's great!

Yes, keep this thread, please. Grow it if possible.

Why? When the day gets tough & rough, I dropped by here for a quick cheer up, even on recycled jokes!

Cheers! Have a great day!

 

[newperson]

Yes, keep this thread, please. Grow it if possible.

Why? When the day gets tough & rough, I dropped by here for a quick cheer up, even on recycled jokes!

Cheers! Have a great day!

Yes, agree. Keep this alive.