Jokes Thread

[UncleFai]

ATTENTION ALL MEN!

Over the next few days, expect your girlfriend or wife to be EXTREMELY emotional. The slightest whisper of the wrong words will trigger them to fly into a rage and throw their handphones hard on the floor, against the wall, or right at you!

DO NOT FALL FOR THE TRAP!

Coz iPhone 7 will be announced tonight.

 

[UncleFai]

 

[UncleFai]

Corporate joke.

Woman in hot air balloon realized she's lost.

She reduced altitude & shouted to a man below : "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend to meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."

Man below replied : "You are in hot air balloon 30 feet above the ground. You are at 41 degree North latitude & 59 degree West longitude."

Lady : "You must be an engineer."

Man : "How do you know?"

Lady : "Everything you told me is technically correct but useless & the fact is I'm still lost."

Engineer : "You must be in Top Management."

Lady : "Ya. How do you know?"

Engineer : "You don't know where you are or where you're going, you have no technical knowledge.

You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep & you expect people beneath you to solve your problems!!"

 

[UncleFai]

 

[UncleFai]

1. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing;
*Either the car is new or the wife.*

2. What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
*Stress is when wife is pregnant*

*Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant*
*Panic is when both are pregnant!*

3. Grammar Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?
*Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away!*

4. A young boy asks his Dad: "What is the difference between confident and confidential?
*Dad says: "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that is confidential!*

5. A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman ;
*“Which book has helped you most in your life?”*
*The woman replied , “My husband’s cheque book!”*

6. A prospective husband in a book store, Do you have a book called, *Husband the Master of the House?* *Sales Girl : “Sir, Fiction and Comics are on the 1st floor!"*

7. Someone asked an old man : “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife Darling, Honey, Love." What’s the secret?"
*Old man : I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her!*

8. Wife : I wish I was a newspaper. So I’d be in your hands all day.
*Husband : I too wish that you were a newspaper. So I could have a new one every day!*

 

[archcherub]

lol a lot of funny jokes here for a boring sat. hahahahah

 

[UncleFai]

An Engineer was unemployed for a long time. He could not find a job so he opened a medical clinic and puts a sign up outside: “Get your treatment for $500, if not treated get back $1,000.”
One Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic. Doctor: “I have lost taste in my mouth.”

Engineer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

Doctor: “This is Gasoline!” Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money. Doctor: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”

Engineer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

Doctor: “But that is Gasoline!” Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. Doctor: “My eyesight has become weak.”

Engineer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000.”

Doctor: “But this is $500…”

Engineer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”

 

[UncleFai]

 

[UncleFai]

 

[UncleFai]

Impact of a job change
======================

A taxi passenger wanted to ask the driver something. So he reached over and gently touched the driver on the shoulder.

The driver let out a loud scream, lost control of his cab and nearly rammed into a road divider before stopping.

The passenger, in shock, asked the driver, "I just tapped you coz I wanted to ask something. Why the drastic reaction?'

The driver replied, "sorry sir, today is my first day driving a taxi. For the last 25 years, I worked for the mortuary and drove the van transporting dead people."

 

[shierwin]

On a flight to Singapore, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

The flight attendant noticed his predicament.

“Sir,” she said, "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Letters WW, WA, PP identified each button and a red one labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button, which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he was in a hospital. As he opened his eyes a nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face.

"What happened?" he exclaimed.

"You pushed one too many buttons," replied the nurse.

"The last button marked ATR was an Automatic Tampon Remover… Your balls are in the bucket under the bed "

 

[UncleFai]

A girl asked her boyfriend out of the blue: "So why is the English alphabet ABCDEFG?"

The boyfriend thought for a while and replied, "Because A Boy Can Do Everything For Girl."

It blew her away. In the end, she married him. But she forgot that following that is "HIJK" - "He Is Just Kidding".

 

[catchlights]

[video=youtube;jg7iHYoZCg4]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jg7iHYoZCg4[/video]

 

[UncleFai]

An airplane was about to crash.

There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.

The 1st passenger said, "I am Steph Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, "I am the newly-elected U.S. President, and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don't want me to die." He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.

The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10 year old schoolboy, "My son, I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The little boy said, "That's okay, Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America 's smartest President took my schoolbag.

 

[Yappy]

Putin said that:

To Forgive The Terrorists Is Up To God, But To Send Them To Him Is Up To Me

 

[Zenten]

[h=1]Heng Swee Keat's first words when out of coma: Is there a Cabinet meeting today?[/h]

 

[UncleFai]

[h=1]Heng Swee Keat's first words when out of coma: Is there a Cabinet meeting today?[/h]

You consider this a joke? Come on...

 

[Zenten]

You consider this a joke? Come on...

Not funny meh? First time tell dirty joke here. Gotcha!!

 

[UncleFai]

Between ideal and reality lies the execution.

 

[Nikonzen]

Young man sits in church all forlorn looking and all. After the service preacher comes to him says why you look so unhappy son? Guy tells preacher I meet lots of girls I really like but when I bring them home my mom cannot stand any of them. Preacher says son try finding a girl who shares things in common with your mother...it is internet age it should be easy to do. Few weeks later back in church same long face. So preacher says did you do as I told you to do? Boy says yes sir found a great girl just like mom even looked like her. They got along just great. Preacher says well what happened then? Boy says dad couldn't stand her.