Shizuma
Senior Member
Funny Video on speed camera - requires facebook link (so sorry i can't get the unembedded footage)
you have to Watch this ...! Speed Camera on . | Facebook
you have to Watch this ...! Speed Camera on . | Facebook
Jokes Thread
- Thread starter Shizuma
- Start date
UncleFai
Senior Member
About marriage...
- I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
- It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
- Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
- Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!
- I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months because I don't like to interrupt her.
- If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?
- A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
- I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
- It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
- Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
- Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!
- I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months because I don't like to interrupt her.
- If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?
- A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
Last edited:
UncleFai
Senior Member
Analogies
======
TIME is like cleavage... squeeze hard enough and you will find something.
OPPORTUNITY is like a dick... hold on to it long enough and it will grow bigger.
LIFE is like being raped... when you can no longer fight it, learn to accept, and may be even enjoy it.
WORK is like gang-bang... when you can no longer continue doing it, some one else will step forward and take your place.
STUDYING is like going to prostitutes... you need to pay for it plus exert yourself.
LIVING is like self-gratification... it is all in your own hands.
SALARY is like menstruation... you get it once a month.
PROMISE is like saying KNNBCCB... everyone says it but no one actually does it.
======
TIME is like cleavage... squeeze hard enough and you will find something.
OPPORTUNITY is like a dick... hold on to it long enough and it will grow bigger.
LIFE is like being raped... when you can no longer fight it, learn to accept, and may be even enjoy it.
WORK is like gang-bang... when you can no longer continue doing it, some one else will step forward and take your place.
STUDYING is like going to prostitutes... you need to pay for it plus exert yourself.
LIVING is like self-gratification... it is all in your own hands.
SALARY is like menstruation... you get it once a month.
PROMISE is like saying KNNBCCB... everyone says it but no one actually does it.
Last edited:
Yutaka Go
Senior Member
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Feed him
2. Sleep with him
3. Leave him with peace
4. Don't check his phone (Msgs)
5. Don't bother him with his
movements
So whats so hard about that ?
HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY
It's really not too difficult but.... To make a
woman happy, a man only needs
to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a plumber
10. a mechanic
11. a carpenter
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. give her compliments
regularly
45. Go shopping with her
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU
MUST ALSO:
50. give her lots of attention
51. give her lots of time,
especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never
worrying about where she goes.
BUT MOST OF ALL IT IS VERY
IMPORTANT
53. never forget
*birthdays
*anniversaries
*valentine
*arrangements she makes. —
to be continue .........
1. Feed him
2. Sleep with him
3. Leave him with peace
4. Don't check his phone (Msgs)
5. Don't bother him with his
movements
So whats so hard about that ?
HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY
It's really not too difficult but.... To make a
woman happy, a man only needs
to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a plumber
10. a mechanic
11. a carpenter
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. give her compliments
regularly
45. Go shopping with her
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU
MUST ALSO:
50. give her lots of attention
51. give her lots of time,
especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never
worrying about where she goes.
BUT MOST OF ALL IT IS VERY
IMPORTANT
53. never forget
*birthdays
*anniversaries
*valentine
*arrangements she makes. —
to be continue .........
lightyear2011
New Member
Hahaha nice one...
petetherock
Senior Member
What are Paraprosdokian sentences?
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I
>>>>>>>>>> stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and
>>>>>>>>>> beat you with experience.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not
>>>>>>>>>> screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than
>>>>>>>>>> standing in a garage makes you a car.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
>>>>>>>>>> bright until you hear them speak.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. (And some never learn!)
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it
>>>>>>>>>> in a fruit salad.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then
>>>>>>>>>> proceed to tell you why it isn't.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many
>>>>>>>>>> is research.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a
>>>>>>>>>> train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes
>>>>>>>>>> a whole box to start a campfire?
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything,
>>>>>>>>>> but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they
>>>>>>>>>> can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them
>>>>>>>>>> fish.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that
>>>>>>>>>> you don't need it.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an
>>>>>>>>>> emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said
>>>>>>>>>> "Implants?"
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion
>>>>>>>>>> stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
>>>>>>>>>> street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president
>>>>>>>>>> and 50 for Miss America ?
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a
>>>>>>>>>> successful man is usually another woman.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute
>>>>>>>>>> to skydive twice.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way
>>>>>>>>>> that you will look forward to the trip.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even
>>>>>>>>>> if you wish they were.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be
>>>>>>>>>> devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my
>>>>>>>>>> foot.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so
>>>>>>>>>> they can't get away.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon,
>>>>>>>>>> and a shot of tequila.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire
>>>>>>>>>> Department usually uses water.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø You're never too old to learn something stupid.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no
>>>>>>>>>> imagination whatsoever.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it
>>>>>>>>>> as when you are in it.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some
>>>>>>>>>> people have more than one child?
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever
>>>>>>>>>> you hit the target.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine
>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>> O Tell someone to eat **** in English and you are considered as being vulgar;
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> do it in French, and they think you are being a comedian.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I
>>>>>>>>>> stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and
>>>>>>>>>> beat you with experience.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not
>>>>>>>>>> screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than
>>>>>>>>>> standing in a garage makes you a car.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
>>>>>>>>>> bright until you hear them speak.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. (And some never learn!)
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it
>>>>>>>>>> in a fruit salad.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then
>>>>>>>>>> proceed to tell you why it isn't.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many
>>>>>>>>>> is research.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a
>>>>>>>>>> train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes
>>>>>>>>>> a whole box to start a campfire?
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything,
>>>>>>>>>> but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they
>>>>>>>>>> can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them
>>>>>>>>>> fish.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that
>>>>>>>>>> you don't need it.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an
>>>>>>>>>> emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said
>>>>>>>>>> "Implants?"
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion
>>>>>>>>>> stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
>>>>>>>>>> street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president
>>>>>>>>>> and 50 for Miss America ?
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a
>>>>>>>>>> successful man is usually another woman.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute
>>>>>>>>>> to skydive twice.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way
>>>>>>>>>> that you will look forward to the trip.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even
>>>>>>>>>> if you wish they were.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be
>>>>>>>>>> devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my
>>>>>>>>>> foot.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so
>>>>>>>>>> they can't get away.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon,
>>>>>>>>>> and a shot of tequila.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire
>>>>>>>>>> Department usually uses water.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø You're never too old to learn something stupid.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no
>>>>>>>>>> imagination whatsoever.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it
>>>>>>>>>> as when you are in it.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some
>>>>>>>>>> people have more than one child?
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever
>>>>>>>>>> you hit the target.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Ø Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine
>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>> O Tell someone to eat **** in English and you are considered as being vulgar;
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> do it in French, and they think you are being a comedian.
The Nurse
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
'Nurse,' he mumbles from behind the mask, 'are my testicles black?' Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine.'
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very very closely,
'Are - my - test - results - back?'.
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
'Nurse,' he mumbles from behind the mask, 'are my testicles black?' Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine.'
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very very closely,
'Are - my - test - results - back?'.
A true story from the pages of the Manchester Evening Times . . . .
Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said "are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."
Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said "are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."
Shizuma
Senior Member
I would never want to be part of a club which will accept someone like me as a member.
Shizuma
Senior Member
**Saucy Joke! ** 55555
Late Night Phone Call To The Vet
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbor`s male dog while the neighbors were on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"Just worked on me," he replied.
Late Night Phone Call To The Vet
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbor`s male dog while the neighbors were on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"Just worked on me," he replied.
madmartian
Senior Member
A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she, who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."
A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she, who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."
Shizuma
Senior Member
A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties the man to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”
She responds: “He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties the man to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”
She responds: “He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”
Yutaka Go
Senior Member
My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
God must love stupid people; He made so many.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
Stupidity is not a handicap. Park your car elsewhere!
They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
The original point and click interface was a camera
I smile! because I don't know what the hell is going on.
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
God must love stupid people; He made so many.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
Stupidity is not a handicap. Park your car elsewhere!
They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
The original point and click interface was a camera
I smile! because I don't know what the hell is going on.
Yutaka Go
Senior Member
WORST PICK UP LINE
Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the Venereal Disease Clinic."
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Man: "What sign were you born under?"
Woman: "No Parking."
Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do Not Enter."
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized!"
Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason."
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
Man: "I can tell that you want me."
Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."
Man: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
Man: "May I see you pretty soon?"
Woman: "Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?"
Man: "Your hair color is fabulous."
Woman: "Thank you. It's in aisle three at the corner drug store."
Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the Venereal Disease Clinic."
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Man: "What sign were you born under?"
Woman: "No Parking."
Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do Not Enter."
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized!"
Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason."
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
Man: "I can tell that you want me."
Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."
Man: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
Man: "May I see you pretty soon?"
Woman: "Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?"
Man: "Your hair color is fabulous."
Woman: "Thank you. It's in aisle three at the corner drug store."
Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
Poems written by WIFE and HUSBAND
WIFE:
I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
Then I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack.
HUSBAND:
God saw me hungry, he created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi.
He saw me in the dark, he created light.
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.
WIFE:
Twinkle twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far.
HUSBAND:
The rain makes all things beautiful
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?
WIFE:
Roses are red; Violets are blue
Monkeys like u should be kept in zoo.
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
Not in cage but laughing at you
... for in the end, the women will always have their last say
WIFE:
I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
Then I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack.
HUSBAND:
God saw me hungry, he created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi.
He saw me in the dark, he created light.
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.
WIFE:
Twinkle twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far.
HUSBAND:
The rain makes all things beautiful
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?
WIFE:
Roses are red; Violets are blue
Monkeys like u should be kept in zoo.
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
Not in cage but laughing at you
... for in the end, the women will always have their last say
2 OLD MEN HAD A LATE NIGHT IN THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY ENDED UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL.
THE MADAM TOOK ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERED TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL ON EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. ANYWAY THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'
THE MANAGER DID AS HE WAS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN WENT UPSTAIRS AND TOOK CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS .
AS THEY WERE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAID, 'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'
'DEAD?' ASKED HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'
'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVES OR MAKE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.'
HIS FRIEND REPLIED, 'COULD BE WORSE, I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'
'A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT? '
'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW... TOOK MY DENTURES WITH HER!
THE MADAM TOOK ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERED TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL ON EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. ANYWAY THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'
THE MANAGER DID AS HE WAS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN WENT UPSTAIRS AND TOOK CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS .
AS THEY WERE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAID, 'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'
'DEAD?' ASKED HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'
'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVES OR MAKE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.'
HIS FRIEND REPLIED, 'COULD BE WORSE, I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'
'A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT? '
'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW... TOOK MY DENTURES WITH HER!
Shizuma
Senior Member
It was a typical night down the pub
Bob walked in, took his seat at the bar and ordered a pint
Then Bob told Bill, "I called the local insane asylum yesterday to check on who has escaped from there recently."
Confused by his friend's comment, Bill asked, "Oh? Why were you wondering about that?"
Bob explained, "Well, somebody married my ex-wife last week."
Bob walked in, took his seat at the bar and ordered a pint
Then Bob told Bill, "I called the local insane asylum yesterday to check on who has escaped from there recently."
Confused by his friend's comment, Bill asked, "Oh? Why were you wondering about that?"
Bob explained, "Well, somebody married my ex-wife last week."
kkgoxplore
New Member
Why Beer is Good for You . . . The Buffalo Theory
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beer . . .
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beer . . .
Yutaka Go
Senior Member
Here is a reason why you shouldn't be a bank robber :bsmilie:
Read the story :bsmilie:
===================================================
There was this robbery in Guangzhou , the robber shouted to everyone: "All don't move, money belongs to the state, life belongs to you".
Everyone in the bank laid down quietly.
This is called "Mind Changing Concept --> Changing the conventional way of thinking".
-------------------------------------------------
One lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her "Please be civilised! This is a robbery and not a rape!"
This is called "Being Professional --> Focus only on what you are trained to do!"
-------------------------------------------------
When the robbers got back, the younger robber (MBA trained) told the older robber (who is only primary school educated), "Big bro, let's count how much we got", the older robber rebutted and said, "You very stupid, so much money, how to count, tonight TV will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!"
This is called "Experience --> nowadays experience is more important than paper qualifications!"
-------------------------------------------------
After the robbers left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly. The supervisor says "Wait, wait wait, let's put the 5 million RMB we embezzled into the amount the robbers robbed".
This is called "Swim with the tide --> converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage!"
-------------------------------------------------
The supervisor says "It will be good if there is a robbery every month".
This is called "Killing Boredom --> Happiness is most important."
-------------------------------------------------
The next day, TV news reported that 100 million RMB was taken from the bank. The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count 20 million RMB. The robbers were very angry and complained "We risked our lives and only took 20 million RMB, the bank manager took 80 million RMB with a snap of his fingers. It looks like it is better to be educated to be a thief!"
This is called "Knowledge is worth as much as gold !"
-------------------------------------------------
The bank manager was smiling and happy because his loss in the CINOPEC shares are now covered by this robbery.
This is called "Seizing the opportunity --> daring to take risks!"
Read the story :bsmilie:
===================================================
There was this robbery in Guangzhou , the robber shouted to everyone: "All don't move, money belongs to the state, life belongs to you".
Everyone in the bank laid down quietly.
This is called "Mind Changing Concept --> Changing the conventional way of thinking".
-------------------------------------------------
One lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her "Please be civilised! This is a robbery and not a rape!"
This is called "Being Professional --> Focus only on what you are trained to do!"
-------------------------------------------------
When the robbers got back, the younger robber (MBA trained) told the older robber (who is only primary school educated), "Big bro, let's count how much we got", the older robber rebutted and said, "You very stupid, so much money, how to count, tonight TV will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!"
This is called "Experience --> nowadays experience is more important than paper qualifications!"
-------------------------------------------------
After the robbers left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly. The supervisor says "Wait, wait wait, let's put the 5 million RMB we embezzled into the amount the robbers robbed".
This is called "Swim with the tide --> converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage!"
-------------------------------------------------
The supervisor says "It will be good if there is a robbery every month".
This is called "Killing Boredom --> Happiness is most important."
-------------------------------------------------
The next day, TV news reported that 100 million RMB was taken from the bank. The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count 20 million RMB. The robbers were very angry and complained "We risked our lives and only took 20 million RMB, the bank manager took 80 million RMB with a snap of his fingers. It looks like it is better to be educated to be a thief!"
This is called "Knowledge is worth as much as gold !"
-------------------------------------------------
The bank manager was smiling and happy because his loss in the CINOPEC shares are now covered by this robbery.
This is called "Seizing the opportunity --> daring to take risks!"
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