EXPOSE Yourself - VIII

[zac08]

I don’t see the problem with premature ejaculation.
I mean, sex AND an early night.

 

[zac08]

There was a semi driver,drivin down an old country while it was rainin outside.All of a sudden his truck brakes down,so he goes to look for the nearest house to use a phone.Before knocking on the door he peers inside,and he sees a old lady in a rocking chair squeezing her titties and and old man standing infront of her holding an umbrella jacking off.The truck driver decides not to disturb them and goes to the next house.He looks in and sees a young woman.So he says’’ok’’.Well...he knocks and she answers the door,he says’’may i use your phone?my truck is broke down and its raining,i was gonna use your neighbors phone but they seemed to be busy.’’The lady then asks’’oh really?what where they doing?’’So he then tells her..She says’’Oh! thats the old deaf couple,she was telling her husband to go milk the cows,and the man was telling her,**** you its raining’’

 

[maddyks]

There was a semi driver,drivin down an old country while it was rainin outside.All of a sudden his truck brakes down,so he goes to look for the nearest house to use a phone.Before knocking on the door he peers inside,and he sees a old lady in a rocking chair squeezing her titties and and old man standing infront of her holding an umbrella jacking off.The truck driver decides not to disturb them and goes to the next house.He looks in and sees a young woman.So he says’’ok’’.Well...he knocks and she answers the door,he says’’may i use your phone?my truck is broke down and its raining,i was gonna use your neighbors phone but they seemed to be busy.’’The lady then asks’’oh really?what where they doing?’’So he then tells her..She says’’Oh! thats the old deaf couple,she was telling her husband to go milk the cows,and the man was telling her,**** you its raining’’

Ha ha ha good one :thumbsup:

 

[zac08]

A man and his wife were about to have sex for the first time. However, the man had one problem; he didn’t know how to have sex. So he asked his father for help. His father agreed to help his son, via telephone, when his son and wife were about to have sex for the first time. Later in the evening, the man and wife were in the bedroom, and the man called his father.

His father said
"Ok, son, take off your clothes", and the son took off his clothes.
Then the son asked "Ok, done. Now what do I do?"
"Take off her clothes".
And the son took off his wife’s clothes.
the father asked, "now, get on the bed, and look at yourself, do you see what we have, but your wife doesn’t have?"
"yes" the son replies.
"good. now look at your wife closely, and do you see what she has but we don’t have?"
"yes" the son replies again.
relieved, the father asked his son "ok great. now all you have to do is to insert that which we have but she doesn’t have, into that which she has but we don’t have."
"ok I got it. Thanks Dad!"

the son !@#$ed her with the telephone.

 

[zac08]

Premature ejaculation,the greatest compliment you can pay a woman.
.........and they ****ing moan about it.

 

[zac08]

At a magicians convention this guy gets up on the stage in front of his peers and says" For my act I need a volunteer from the audience". A number of people put up their hands however the prettiest girl is chosen. He tells the crowd that for his act she needs to take of all her clothes...which she does. then he tells her that she needs to bend over and touch her toes. As soon as she does hell pulls down his pants and starts screwing her. The crowd looks on in stunned silence. All of a sudden someone shouts from the back" Hey thats not a trick". The guy shouts back" no, but it sure is magic".

 

[zac08]

My girlfriend was giving me a great blowjob last night.
Wait a minute she said,you’re married aren’t you.
Yes,I replied.
Well why doesn’t your wife give you oral sex.
Don’t be stupid,that’s the mouth that kisses me goodnight.

 

[zac08]

Why is sex so much like drugs?
Because the quality depends on the pusher.

 

[zac08]

why do gay guys use rough condoms??
because they have better traction in the mud

 

[maddyks]

I see you have taken it upon yourself to take the thread to 1k. I salute your commitment :thumbsup:

 

[zac08]

amish people do not use any electricity
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
A amish girl goes up to her mom and says to her "mommy, my hands are cold
."
So the mom says "put your hands between your legs" so she did and she
was satisfied.

A few days later she goes up to her mom and says "mommy what is a penis?"
Her mom asked why.
The girl said "oh, my boyfriend said his penis was cold so I did what you said
and warmed it up, and boy it was messy!"

 

[zac08]

I see you have taken it upon yourself to take the thread to 1k. I salute your commitment :thumbsup:

Why not...

and let's have a GOOD laugh about it.... :bsmilie::bsmilie:

 

[zac08]

A man walking down the street sees a sign on the side walk " HAND JOB
$100" so he walks in the shop and says to the lady behind the counter "
"100 bucks for a hand job thats a rip off. "
She replies "Come over here see that BMW parked over there, I paid for
that in cash by my hand jobs"
The man thinks then hands over the cash and gets the best hand job he
has ever had.
Two weeks later he’s walking down the same street and sees another sign
that reads"BLOW JOB $250" so he walks in the shop and says to the lady
behind the counter"250 bucks for a blow job thats a rip off"
She replies "Come over here see that huge boat down on the harbor, I
paid for that in cash by my blow jobs"
The man thinks then hands over the cash and gets the most amazing
blow job he’s ever had.
Same man power walks down the street no sign this time, he walks
straight into the shop anyways.
He says to the lady "I’ve had you hand job and your blow job but this time i
want the full deal"
The lady replies "come over here" He moves over with a huge grin on his
face"See that huge mansion on the water front " he starts to nod his head
still with the stupid grin on his face , then she says
"Well if i had a pussy I could have paid for that in cash"

 

[zac08]

If you have sex with a prostitute without her consent.........is it rape or shoplifting?

 

[zac08]

why do women wear flower print panties?
in commerration of all the faces that were buried there.

 

[zac08]

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to **** your brains out, and suck your tits dry."Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

 

[zac08]

One day, a young cowboy and a cowgirl decided to get married.
He was a man of the world and she was an innocent bride with
no experience.
On the first night of their honeymoon the couple washed up
and started to get ready for bed. When they get into bed,
they start exploring each other’s bodies.
Things are going fine until the bride discovers her
husband’s penis. "Oh my", she says, "What is that?"
"Well, darlin", the cowboy says, "That’s ma rope".
She slides her hands further down and gasps.
"Oh my goodness. What’s them?" she asks.
"Honey, them’s my knots", he answers.
Finally, the couple begin to make love. After several minutes,
the bride says, "Stop honey. Wait a minute".
Her husband, panting a little, asks, "What’s the matter honey?
Am I hurting you?"
"No", the bride replies. "Just undo them damn knots.
I need more rope!"

 

[zac08]

A man pays for a hooker. He takes off his clothes and he has a 2-inch ****.
The hooker says,"who the hell do you think you’re going to please with that?
The man says,"ME!!"

 

[zac08]

There was this guy who wanted to surprise his wife on their wedding day so he went down to a tattoo parlour and asked the the tattooest to tattoo Wendy (wifes name) on his penis.So the tattoest tells him to get it hard and he does the deed.

After the wedding is all over the couple go back to the room and the guy tells his wife that he has a suprise for her so he pulls out his penis and it reads W Y..the wife says "what the hell is that"? so he tells to wait while he gets it hard then it reads WENDY and she is overwelmed.

Two weeks later they go to Jamaca for their honeymoon and one hot afternoon while they are partying on the beach the guy suddenly needs to take a leek,so he runs over to the closest bush,and while he is there a big Jamacan guy pulls up beside him,the guy instanly notices W Y on the jamacan guys penis and says "I bet you I can tell you what that says" the Jamacan guy says "and what is dat mun!??" and the guy says "Wendy"!!! the Jamacan says "No mun"," Welcome to Jamaca have a nice day"

 

[maddyks]

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very
faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on
the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in
the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off
her panties and use them. Her friend, however was wearing a rather
expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath
with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls
did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally
sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the
other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm
starting to suspect the worst.. my wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card
stuck to her ass that said.... 'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.