Good storyline.. A little tad too long for me though.
But alot can be improve on this film.
Let me just put it to you briefly,
1) colour (dont gain too much red on your midtones)
2) Picture (know when and when not to use shallow dof for your shots )
3) sound (If u cant get good audio on set, do ADRs. Most BLOCKBUSTER Hollywood films usually uses ADR for at least 70% of their sound)
4) Night scene (If ur storyboard requires a night scene, but u dont have d equipments to light up d place, u can always turn a day into night using ur camera)